No. 21 - May 19th, 2021

Gone to Market, Hypno, A Little Off the Top, Dogscape, Sudden Trash

NEWS

Experimental Toe Surgery Rates Increasing

By: Margaret Applehill

GREATER ODDLAND AREA - New statistics emerging from the annual “Big Dump of Science Stuff” released by the Oddland Water and Fire Sciences Department show an alarming trend over the past 18 months; experimental toe surgery has increased by over 2,300% and over 900% in just the last six weeks. Experimental toe surgery is defined as any surgery involving the toes “that does not have a proven outcome.”

“Foot-slabbing” is the trend driving the increase in experimental toe surgery. Foot-slabbing is when you have all your toes surgically lengthened to the same length, then physically fused together into one flat block or “slab” of a foot. Authorities are still unsure about how the trend started, though they suspect that it originated on social media. It is currently estimated that 1 in 3 Oddlandians has had their feet turned into slabs.

“If I had toes, you can bet they’d all be separate and not some giant brick or whatever,” said mayor Henry Gilbrandt when questioned about the trend during a press conference. Mayor Gilbrandt has had several experimental and highly dangerous surgeries himself, including an ocular replacement, having his arm turned into a small cannon, and both of his legs are entirely robotic. The mayor continued to speak about the dangers of experimental surgeries at the press conference as his computerized eye scanned and archived the facial data of each reporter in the audience.

While foot-slabbing might present a danger to those not fully aware of the side-effects, it does look really cool. Is the loss of balance, flexibility, and coordination worth an aesthetic change that offers no other…

SEE CHUNK, PG. 50

In Effort to Reduce Toad-Licking, Drugs Made Free at Community Center

By: Janet Wu

ODDLAND COMMUNITY CENTER - Citing the recent hospitalization of several teenagers from Oddland due to toad-licking related diseases, the Community Center has begun offering all forms of illegal drugs available for free to all citizens. While drugs within Oddland are still “not cool” according to the Oddland police department, the official town charter gives the Community Center the ability to act as their own separate entity with their own laws and jurisdiction within the community center building. This is also why you can buy those weird cheeses from the community center on Saturday mornings.

Toad-licking has become a major problem amongst the youth of Oddland. Oddland Toads (Bufo Calamita Extraneus) are unique in that their poison glands don’t actually produce poison, but instead a high-grade organic form of LSD. Oddland Toads produce approximately .5 - 1ml of this substance every day and have been known to produce more when under duress. Scientists in the past have “milked” the toads to extract as much of their secretion as possible by forcing them to listen to the Joe Rogan podcast for several days, causing extreme psychic harm to the toads in the process.

Wendy Erch, the director of the community center was optimistic about the new drug availability. “All drugs are cool and you should do them as often as possible,” Ms. Erch stated, her balance faltering as her sunglasses slid down her nose slightly. She then pointed finger-guns at me and said she had to go powder her nose and did a fat rail of coke in front of me, on the very table where my notebook lay.

The community seems split on the issue. While many activist groups cheered at the decision by the community center, many squares and losers were upset by…

SEE VIBES, PG. 100

“Barber Will” Legally Mandated to Act as Executioner

By: Nelson Krukar

ODDLAND GALLOWS - With the upcoming execution of literal-demon Brubkor The Dominator, one question that has been at the top of many Oddlandian brains is: who will be the executioner?

This question was answered today as the Oddland Historical Society confirmed with town legal counsel that according to an old set of laws that still somehow remain legally binding, the town barber must also act as the executioner in times of need. According to the historical society, in the early days of Oddland the town barber was the only person allowed to legally wield a knife of any kind, hence the double-duty as executioner.

While knife ownership is still a legal grey area in Oddland, the fact that William “Barber Will” Matos, a 78-year-old barber with failing eyesight and shaky hands will be the one to end the life of Brubkor The Dominator is a bit of poetic justice that seems almost too good to be true. Barber Will’s father, mother, sister and grandfather were all viciously tortured at the hands of Brubkor The Dominator and ultimately met their demise when he grew tired of their screams of agony. While normally killing someone does not do anything to bring back their victims, demon logic does not observe this natural law and when a demon is murdered all their victims are instantaneously resurrected.

“It’ll be good to see my family again,” Barber Will said as he clumsily spooned oatmeal into his mouth, his hand violently shaking causing the oatmeal to splatter all over his face like a toddler. William showed me his copy of the Matos family tree and it appeared that…

SEE SHAVE, PG. 150

TECHNOLOGY

Dog-VR to Launch for Holiday Season

By: Ralph Duty

THE INTERZONE - Roboboros announced on Monday that they will be releasing a fully-functioning virtual reality headset and paw controllers for dogs, slated to go on sale in time for the holiday season. The announcement confirmed that leaked internal documents were legitimate and that the Dog-VR project has been in research and testing phases for the past seven years.

When asked about the need for virtual reality for dogs, Glenn Mann answered the reporter as follows, “Oh I get it. You hate dogs. You want to kill and eat them. Well we don’t do that here in Oddland, bud. We love our dogs and we think they should get to play lackluster games in virtual reality just like anyone else.” Mr. Mann then challenged the reporter to an arm wrestling contest, but the reporter declined and left the conference embarrassed.

Mr. Mann confirmed that at launch there will only be one title available, “Bark Bark Woof Sim 2955” in which the player will assume the identity of a 21st century dog that has been transported to the year 2955 and must interact in a new dystopic world that they do not recognize. Does the good boi make the world a little brighter, or does entropy come for us all?

I spoke with Benji, a local Oddland dog about their thoughts on the launch of the virtual reality system, but they seemed more concerned with a squirrel that had…

SEE GODDOG, PG. 200

COMMUNITY

Garbage Collection Schedule Changes

By: Sarah Bruno

GREATER ODDLAND AREA - The City Council, the cheese-being entity who leads the city council has declared a new garbage collection schedule to better fit the needs of the community as well as to meet budgetary constraints. Garbage will now be picked up on a “spontaneous need-based schedule” with a text-message notification being sent only minutes before the garbage trucks are sent out.

This new direction has left many Oddlanders uncertain of when, if ever, their garbage will be picked up. “The old Tuesday and Thursday schedule was working fine, I don’t know why they changed it,” said Tom Smith, an imaginary person. Many Oddland residents left their garbage curbside yesterday presumably out of habit, and either haven’t yet noticed that it was uncollected or simply do not care.

The City Council noted that the change would save Oddland approximately $45 annually, equivalent to over five burrito bowls from Chipotle. “Think of how nice it will be to enjoy those bowls. You might even be able to get guac with it, though our accountants haven’t run those models yet,” The City Council said to me during a Q&A session.

Oddland has made headlines related to their lack of garbage infrastructure before. Most notably in 1974 when a city-wide garbage strike resulted in many citizens going feral amongst their own trash, creating roaming gangs of raiders and eventually the entire town dissolving into a primordial pit of goo before rapidly rebuilding into a newer, fresher city with…

SEE REFUSE, PG. 201

This issue of The Weirdy Wordy has been brought to you by a big ol’ cup of coffee and a tasty donut.

Contact

Have an idea for an article, headline etc? Send something to scoops@weirdywordy.com and we’ll get back to you after our lunch break.

Find a typo and/or shitty writing? Send all corrections to intern@weirdywordy.com

All other questions, comments and recipes for bread should be sent to janitor@weirdywordy.com