No. 22 - May 26th, 2021

I prefer half-popped, Should I read this?, The Office, Kerplunk, Oh my!

NEWS

Emergency Underground Bunker System Flooded With Popcorn

By: Fiona Warnt

ODDLAND BUNKERS - The Oddland Bunker and Birthday Surprise System, a series of tunnels connecting several different underground emergency bunkers has become flooded with popcorn kernels after an unfortunate heating malfunction raised the temperature to a dangerously high heat over the weekend. Several hundred pounds of chocolate rations also melted during the event. Also, three people died.

The bunker system was created in the 1960’s following a number of scares of nuclear war started by neighboring town Gated Forest. Following the infamous “Picnic Panic” in July of 1962, the Oddland city council voted unanimously to create the bunkers with enough capacity for the entire town as a precautionary measure. The decision to allow children’s birthday parties to be hosted in the bunkers was made official in 1974.

According to a team of technicians sent to investigate the issue, one of the temperature sensors malfunctioned which caused the heating system to continually increase over the span of several days. Temperatures rose to over 400 degrees Farenheit at their peak. During this time the 4,500 pound stash of popcorn kernels began to expand and pop, causing them to spill out of their barrels and move throughout the entire bunker system.

Ted Bred, the Director of Bunker and Tunnels in Oddland was unavailable for comment. Mr. Bred was last seen taking a “staycation” inside bunker 7 as a respite from his husband and triplets who awaited him at home. When asked if Mr. Bred was one of the three casualties from the heating incident, Oddland Police Department sheriff Jason Nedward laughed and said…

SEE COOKED, PG. 14

Books Enter Quasi-Legal Status After Vote Passes With Ambiguous Language

By: Ralph Duty

GREATER ODDLAND AREA - The city council voted on Monday to make it illegal to possess, read, buy, sell, or conjure from alternate planes of existence any book that contains written instructions or directives that would create extra-dimensional phenomena in our Earthly world. In layman’s terms, they banned spellbooks as a response to the recent wave of wizard-crime that has been sweeping through the city.

Upon a closer inspection of the 800-page document proposing and outlining the law, much of the verbiage is overly-broad and a legal case can be made that it is now illegal to own or read any type of book in Oddland. While it seems unlikely that this city-wide ban of all books would actually be enforced, the penalty for a first offense according to the new law is death and total annihilation of all living relatives of the offender. Apparently this can be enacted not only upon discovery of a book, but also in a pre-crime manner as well; if you even think about reading a book, you and your entire family can/will be eviscerated.

“I think it’s kinda funny, actually. I’ve always been more of a graphic novel type of guy, myself,” said mayory Henry Gilbrandt during his Tuesday press conference. The mayor arrived to the press conference via motorcycle, and was not wearing a helmet as he rode up to the stage area. When a reporter asked why he wasn’t wearing his helmet as is mandated by law, the mayor laughed and said “yeah okay, nerd.”

The teacher’s union is very upset with the passing of the law and have already demanded an immediate halt to this measure and that the city council re-open in an emergency session to revisit the law. As of deadline for print, there have been no plans for the city council to reconvene and…

SEE BOOKED, PG. 31

Working From Home In Oddland Now Required to Be Done Within a Cubicle

By: Harnvarn Thurgood

YOUR HOME OFFICE - The Office of the Mayor has released a new town-wide decree; a non-legal mandate that due to the uncertainty of its legal status, most people will uphold as law, that says all workers who are “working from home” must do so within an approved cubicle workspace at all times inside their residence.

The decree comes just days after the announcement from the Roboboros Corporation of their new “Home Cube 27550X” full home-cubicle and workzone, with integrated 3d printer, dark room, and candle making station. The expected retail cost of this new piece of over-engineered furniture is $5,500 for the base model. No official pricing information has been released for the “Turbo Edition” but unofficial reports suggest a price tag of $14,999.

Why has the mayor engaged in a transparent scheme to bolster the sales of extremely costly and unnecessary home-office furniture for one of the largest corporations in town? Look no further than the mayor’s eye; the robotic visual computer that Roboboros “donated” to the mayor after a supposed emergency several months ago. Many have speculated that the eye surgery may have also involved a neural-control module being installed into the mayor’s brain. This seems the only viable explanation for the erratic and dangerous behavior that the mayor…

SEE NOOKED, PG. 44

COMMUNITY

The Ferry Has Sunk, No Access to DMV

By: Mita Rajnan

ODDLAND DMV - The ferry that navigates between Oddland and DMV Island has sunk, marooning several customers and the staff members of the DMV until a new ship can make the journey again. Scientists estimate that it will take several years for a new boat to be crafted and sent to the island as “boats are lame and hard to make” according to the official report.

Operational since 1996, the ferry has been the only method of accessing the Oddland DMV since the collapse of Iron Two Ton Bridge that originally connected the island with mainland Oddland. The ferry has been captained by an old mysterious hooded figure who speaks in riddles and cryptic codes, cackling endlessly much to the dismay of passengers. This old creepy dude fell into the water as the ferry capsized and instead of attempting to swim to safety, reportedly laughed the entire way down until he submerged into the icy waters, never to return to the surface.

“It’s a bit annoying, to be honest,” said Barbara Wescott via a Zoom interview. Ms. Wescott was at the DMV attempting to get an error on her driver’s license fixed when the ferry sunk, leaving her stranded. “The worst part is, I don’t even have all the necessary paperwork according to the DMV workers, so my license still lists me as ‘Incredibly Dangerous’ until I can provide my original birth certificate.”

Until a new ferry is established, residents of Oddland have been advised to just disregard all regular licensing and registration requirements that they would need to have amended via the DMV entirely. This is another example of how innovative thinking can overcome…

SEE HOOKED, PG. 49

GANGS

Competitive Cooking Show Challenge to Settle Turf War

By: Bret Moran

ODDLAND STUDIOS - After months of escalation including the deaths of at least 6,787 gang members, the Tigers and the Lions have agreed to settle their violent turf war once and for all in an unusual manner: each gang will send two contestants to participate in an elimination-style cooking show using secret ingredients. Like Chopped, but kind of a different show. Just barely. The show will be produced at Oddland Studios, current home to such hits as Coffee Drinking Daily News and Competitive Eating and Barfing Fight Show Remix.

The turf war between the Tigers and the Lions has been ongoing for several years. The dispute is over who owns the corner of Roman and Gregory, a prime location for the dealing of drugs and the taking of sweet Instagram shots. Both sides claim they were the original controllers of this section of the sidewalk and both claim the other side as being ruthless invaders with no right to the corner.

The decision to settle the debate was thought up by Oddland Studios executive Farah Ahmad. Desperate for new television programming, Ms. Ahmad read about the ongoing battle between the two gangs and thought it would make compelling television to have the two gangs compete in a subjectively-judged cooking competition for control of the disputed territory.

When asked about how this had other real-world parallels, Ms. Ahmad said “I’m not touching that shit with a twenty foot pole,” before walking away. One must wonder if cooking-based competitions could in fact solve other…

SEE FUCKED, PG. 98

This issue of The Weirdy Wordy has been brought to you by the feeling that you’ve forgotten something when you leave your house so you stand in your doorway for like two full minutes thinking if you have everything or not and then you decide “yeah, I’m good,” and the door shuts behind you and you realize you forgot your keys. Fuck.

Contact

Have an idea for an article, headline etc? Send something to scoops@weirdywordy.com and we’ll get back to you after our lunch break.

Find a typo and/or shitty writing? Send all corrections to intern@weirdywordy.com

All other questions, comments and recipes for bread: janitor@weirdywordy.com