No. 23 - June 2nd, 2021

Pay It Forward, New Arm, The Silence, Monster Mash, Walden

NEWS

Hospital Introduces “Get-One Give-One” Payment Option

By: Margaret Applehill

ODDLAND OF MERCY - A new payment plan at Oddland of Mercy has become available to low income and clinically insane individuals who meet certain qualifying criteria; under the payment structure any medical procedure that the patient receives will have to be performed onto another patient no later than one calendar year from the original procedure date. So for example, if you receive an emergency splenectomy, within one year’s time you will need to cut open a soft, supple body and remove that person’s spleen under the guidance of medical professionals.

Originally pioneered somewhere in Europe, the Get-One Give-One payment plan was a surprisingly effective way to prevent unnecessary surgery, as well as a way to relieve the burden of overworked doctors who would rather just hang out in a coffee shop all day like you do. It is estimated that one in five doctors would rather be writing poetic nonsense on their computer and then struggling to find a receptive audience as opposed to cutting up guts and bones with cool looking stainless steel tools.

“I think it’s great,” said one doctor who asked to remain anonymous. “I’m so tired of all these little kids coming up to me and asking me to turn them into dinosaurs. Turn yourself into a dinosaur, little Johnny.” The doctor took another swig from their flask and then drove us through a red light. They then said how they never did this and how I’d love this little spot they were taking me to.

Not everyone in Oddland is excited about the new payment option. Many have cited concerns about the lack of medical training that the average citizens has, or what would actually motivate someone to perform surgery a year after receiving one, or why is this even a real option for people; is the medical industry so completely fucked by insurance companies that we have to…

SEE DICED, PG. 11

Roboboros Headquarters Unveils New Executive Wing Expansion

By: Ian Pend

ROBOBOROS HQ - It was all smiles and cheers as the impossibly large sheet covering the entire new wing of the Roboboros Headquarters was finally pulled away, revealing a state-of-the-art new executive wing. Originally planned for completion in 2011, the project was put on hold several times after consecutive grisly murders of day laborers, as well as during the brief instance where time ran backwards for three years following a time-travel miscalculation.

Glenn Mann, the Chief Marketing Officer for Roboboros was seen at the event smoking a cigar and shaking hands of the technicians and construction workers who completed the expansion. He answered questions very briefly, commenting that the building would “really take flight now, baby!” at which point Mr. Mann took a warm beer can from his pocket and shotgunned it while still standing at the podium.

The design of the new wing is quite unique; it’s a literal wing shape. At first this seemed as though it was simply to complement the other wing-shaped extension the building has on the East end of the campus. Upon inspection of several of the blueprints and zoning permits though, it appears that the wing is a literal wing that is capable of creating lift-force powerful enough to raise the building into flight. It is unclear to what end this technology will be used, though the prospect of a 725,000 square foot campus flying through the air should alarm even the chillest of dudes.

Mr. Mann refused several of my attempts to follow up about the new building, though he did send me a text at 11:30pm inviting me to go “bump through the city” with him…

SEE WINGED, PG. 49

All Cars Have Stopped Screaming in Agony

By: Ralph Duty

GREATER ODDLAND AREA - With the deadline for all motor vehicles to be turned in to the government less than a week away, a new development has added to the collective unease of the town. Previously, all cars became sentient in a spontaneous event several months ago. Upon gaining sentience, the cars that did not immediately destroy themselves bellowed out constant groans of agony over their existential dread. Oddlanders did their best to ignore the constant shrieks and wails and went about their normal lives, ziplining from place to place and waiting for the day the screams would end.

That day has arrived; but now that the screams have gone silent, no one is sure if this is good or bad for the city.

Seemingly in unison, all the cars went silent over the weekend at approximately 3:25PM on Saturday. The cars have stopped moving on their own, and appear to have lost whatever sentience they had previously gained. The Oddland police department have investigated several dozen different cars and tested their sentience by various means, including creating a full firing line of ten officers who unloaded several magazines of rounds into one specific car.

“I don’t know much about cars, but if these things were alive once they’re certainly dead now,” said sheriff Jason Nedward after the firing line finished riddling the vehicle full of bullet holes. The sheriff and one of his officers exchanged words and laughed, and then the sheriff turned back to me and continued, “Well, this one is dead at least.” The sheriff then put his aviator sunglasses on, shot his personal zipline into one of the hanging hooks and…

SEE TIRED, PG. 75

COMMUNITY

Mummy Prank Amongst Teens Raising Concerns From Parents

By: Newp Errson

ODDLAND TWP. - An alarming new fad has many parents concerned about the well-being of their children; teens are voluntarily laying in tubs full of salt for several weeks, then they have their bodies covered in natural resins and wrapped in ceremonial linen cloth and placed inside of stone tombs to preserve their bodies for thousands of years.

“Look, I get it. Kids will be kids. But I’m really horrified about the cultural misappropriation they’re engaging in,” said Delia Tamley, mother to Meghan Tamley. Meghan says she has been party to at least five mummifications over the past two months. “It’s not in our culture to mummify people, I think this is a really bad look,” Delia said as she looked at her daughter Meghan with disdain in her eyes.

Believe it or not, this is not the first time mummification has caused a stir in the town of Oddland. In the 1920’s the city council officially sanctioned mummification of deceased loved ones as an approved form of remains disposal. While not a preferred option at first, popularity in mummification slowly increased until it finally peaked in the year 1929 with the infamous “Mummies in the Streets” panic. With so little room to house the mummies, many of them were left lining the streets awaiting pickups that ultimately would never happen. This is also why Oddland was listed as a haunted town full of monsters according to the “Monster Hunting for Gentlemen” guidebook published in the early 1930’s.

The police department has issued an official warning that anyone found mummifying themselves or others will be held accountable to the fullest extent of the law, even if it means reversing the mummification via dangerous and unwieldy dark magic that will ultimately lead to the destruction of…

SEE WRAPPED, PG. 98

Giant Blocks of Ice Arrive to Oddland for Annual Iced Tea Festival

By: Sarah Bruno

FREDERICKS PARK - Many people attend the Iced Tea Festival each year and enjoy the marquee attraction; two enormous blocks of ice intended to be chipped away at to provide ice cubes to make your own iced tea. A simple, but powerful moment for many Oddlandians, though few realize the efforts made to bring the 300+ foot tall blocks of ice into the city.

Currently harvested from Saddle Brook Pond when it freezes over, the two ice blocks are cut and transported via robotic drones and taken into a holding freezer in the Roboboros West facility in California. They remain in holding for several months until the date of the Iced Tea Festival is confirmed.

The blocks are transported the weekend before festival via the secret underground supersonic bullet train that Roboboros has installed several thousand feet below the surface of the Earth. While there is no official listing of the train routes, it is believed that there are at least 23 separate trains currently in operation.

The train arrives into Oddland from the California branch in just under 6 hours. The blocks of ice are then shot upward through a giant exhaust tube and caught in mid-air by an assembly of drones working together. Finally, the blocks are dropped off in Fredericks Park where they will eventually be enjoyed by thousands during the Iced Tea Festival. To date, there have only been thirty-three casualties related to the transport of the ice blocks, although each year the festival itself accounts for over a hundred…

SEE CHILLED, PG. 102

This issue of The Weirdy Wordy has been brought to you by the sound of rain hitting the roof as you’re looking out the window, letting the world pass you by.

Contact

Have an idea for an article, headline etc? Send something to scoops@weirdywordy.com and we’ll get back to you after our lunch break.

Find a typo and/or shitty writing? Send all corrections to intern@weirdywordy.com

All other questions, comments and recipes for bread: janitor@weirdywordy.com