No. 32 - August 4th, 2021

SXSO, New Kicks, Which Aisle?, Hiring Manager, Bread

NEWS

South Oddland Wants to Merge With Oddland Proper

By: Janet Wu

ODDLANDS BORDER - The city planning advisory special task-force subdivision for South Oddland has released an official decree that they will attempt to merge with Oddland on December 31st of this year. Thanks to a loophole in the amended by-laws when South Oddland originally left Oddland in 1904, the mayors of each town will participate in a Ladder Match with the Oddland Championship Belt dangling from a rope approximately six feet above the top of the ladder. The first mayor to unhook the belt will secure the victory and choose the town(s) structure for the next seven years.

Mayor Gilbrandt did not address the issue during his weekly press conference/Twitch stream.

South Oddland seceded from Oddland over a hundred years ago due to an argument about the storage system used for glasswork. At the time, Oddland was one of the largest glass producing cities in the world. The infamous statue “Lady Tirnhawk and Her Friend” was created by a team of glassmen and glasswomen in Oddland.

The disagreement of the proper storage method would eventually lead to a bloody set of skirmishes between the two sides, eventually erupting into a full civil war complete with cavalry and battleships. After several months of fighting, both sides agreed to cease the fighting as Halloween was only a few weeks away.

If South Oddland is able to rejoin Oddland at the end of this year, it is expected that approximately 2% of the current Oddland population would disappear, just like in that show…

SEE TWINS, PG. 11

Roboboros Unveils New Footwear

By: Bret Moran

ROBOBOROS HQ - Glenn Mann, the Head of PR and Shoe Development at The Roboboros Corporation made a surprise announcement on Tuesday evening that the company would be releasing a new shoe line for the fall season. Details about the entire line were slim, but Mr. Mann did show off a prototype of the flagship shoe: The Lizard Reversion 2200 XL.

The Liz’ is a rather plain looking looking sneaker, however when the wearer engages “Reversion Mode” the shoes expand outward from below, creating impossibly large quantities of new fabric and material from seemingly nowhere. They form a bridge together and quickly create an entire robotic suit in the shape of a giant lizard. They are outfitted with dual jet boosters and a full cerebral-GUI control system. They are waterproof, fireproof, and demonproof, according to the stats sheet that was made available.

“Well, I’m kind of surprised that worked,” Mr. Mann said after demonstrating the function of the shoes. Mr. Mann’s face was visibly red and he was covered in sweat, gasping for breaths. When a reporter asked if he was alright, Mr. Mann tried to speak but was too out of breath and he briefly clutched his chest with one hand while holding up his index finger with his other hand.

The shoes are expected to have an approximate retail price of…

SEE LIZMAN, PG. 29

Man Lost Forever on Infinite Side of Hardware Store

By: J.C. Cornhopper

EASTER STREET - Mayor Gilbrandt issued a warning to Oddland residents last Friday morning after it was discovered that yet another person had walked down the infinite side of Ron’s Big Hardware Store on the corner of Easter Street and Equinox Ave. “We have known—and warned the community—about the infinite side of Ron’s Big Hardware Store for many years now. While it is a tragedy that Mr. Coops walked down that side of the building, I must say that it is a tragedy entirely of his own making.” The Mayor expressed his sympathies to Mr. Coop’s family, especially his now assumed to be single wife.

Oddland scientists say the infinite side of Ron’s Big Hardware Store is due to an inexplicable spatial anomaly. Glen Dorkburgle, the only scientist we could get to speak to us on very short notice, offered this unsatisfying explanation: “Ron’s has a normal, finite front, back, and right side—I guess that’d be to the north? It’s on the right if you are standing in the street and looking at the front of the building where the main entrance is. Anyway, the left side of the building has the spatial anomaly. We can’t explain it, but that side of the building just goes on forever. If you start walking down there…well, you’ll never reach the back. Or get back to the front.”

Residents have suggested (many times) that signage should be added to the left (from the street) and right (from the back) sides of Ron’s to help prevent this sort of tragedy in the future. However, signs of that nature are not permitted by the city code, and Ron, owner of the property and namesake hardware store, opposes requesting a variance. “Warning signs like that would change the character of the neighborhood,” he told us. “Besides, they are expensive,” he added, before ordering a burly shop clerk to escort us from the premises.

It is assumed that Mr. Coop, like the cat scientists used to test the infinite side hypothesis, and the Brunner’s boy Willham, and Old Mrs. Yuud, will likely starve to death while walking infinitely away from…

SEE INFINITE, PG. 88

COMMUNITY

Local Girl Quits Learning Piano In Favor of Working on Her LinkedIn Clout

By: Ralph Duty

WEB, WORLD WIDE - Alicia Griffin is an ordinary 8-year-old girl; she enjoys playing soccer with her friends, she spent the past two months at Death Lake Summer Camp, and she has been struggling to get better at piano, despite taking lessons every Monday and Thursday at Old Ms. Arndt’s house.

That’s why Alicia has decided to give up the piano and focus on something she says is more important: her LinkedIn following.

Alicia runs a popular “Hiring Guru” account despite having never worked any job in her life and having basically no tangible skills whatsoever. Her account is currently followed by over 150,000 people and her posts have amassed over 100 million likes or whatever it’s called on LinkedIn.

“Yeah so my dad made me an account last year, and then like I just changed the name and found a picture of some dorkish looking guy and I write these blathering text posts about how I hired some guy who climbed a tree to save a cat even though it made him late for a different interview. These rubes eat that shit up,” Alicia said to me between sips of what I hope was a non-alcoholic beer.

Alicia said she plans to become a micro-influencer and start to monetize her nonsense by allowing predatory companies to use her writing skills as part of their various goodwill campaigns to convince consumers that corporations have their best desires at heart and don’t just see humans as literal shit factories who consume endlessly.

Ted Griffin, Alicia’s father, did not realize she had such a large following on the platform and asked how he could reset the password without her…

SEE CONNECT, PG. 65

OPINION

Bagels

By: Jinsy McDougall

I usually walk over to the local bagel place pretty early in the morning; around 5:00am, sometimes even earlier. They don’t open until 5:00am, but I like to know I’m the first in line and no one’s gonna grab my bagel. I like pumpernickel, but they don’t make that many. Only a dozen per day, sometimes less. If I get there later, they’re usually gone, so I go early.

Recently I noticed that the cashier at the bagel place, Susan I think her name is, she started wearing a red bandana in her hair. I wondered if that was some sort of gang affiliation type of thing, so I asked her, “Hey Susan, is that your name, Susan? Oh…oh I’m sorry. Hilda. I don’t know why I thought it was Susan. Hilda, that bandana you wear…yeah in your hair…okay well it looks like a bandana…okay sure, the headband you wear, is that like for a gang or something?”

She said no. I’m not sure if I believe her. But a place that makes pumpernickel bagels this good must know a thing or two about hiring good, honest folks as well. Although their coffee isn’t that great, actually. It’s in those big like cylinder container things where there’s a silver handle thing on top that you push down and the coffee spurts out. You grab it yourself and pay for it; I don’t like that. They should make it on the spot for me. Or at least pour it for me.

But I let it slide because of the pumpernickel. If they stopped selling it I’d probably still go, but only out of habit. Or maybe I wouldn’t go, actually. I’ll have to think about it a bit and get back to you. I do know that one time…

SEE EVERYTHING, PG. 101

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