No. 33 - August 11th, 2021

Rest In Peace, Hounds, Sinking, Change, Hygiene

NEWS

Former Mayor Szymanski Passes Away of Natural Causes

By: Harnvarn Thurgood

ODDLAND CEMETERY OF HEROES - Former mayor Reginald “Reggie” Szymanski, mayor of Oddland for 24 years and three time Best Chili award winner passed away on Saturday night of natural causes. He was 178 years old. He leaves behind a legacy that will never be matched, and a collection of rare bottle caps that is reportedly worth upwards of a million dollars. A private funeral service was held on Sunday before the mayor was buried in the Oddland Cemetery of Heroes on Monday afternoon.

Best known for his revolutionary “take a penny, leave a penny” approach to running the town, mayor Szymanski made many improvements to Oddland that are still enjoyed by citizens today. Some of these include the Oddland Bunker and Birthday Surprise System, the reversal of the mattress prohibition, and the forced introduction of squirrels into our forests. Mayor Szymanski will also be remembered as the only mayor to hit a hole-in-one on the 18th hole at the Blood Links 18.

Speaking with the mayor’s family, they said he passed away peacefully fighting off half a dozen hoodlums in the streets. The mayor was unarmed and virtually defenseless against his assailants who were equipped with baseball bats, chains and bricks. Multiple contusions and lacerations littered the mayors formerly beautiful face and the funeral director recommended a closed casket service due to the severity of the disfigurations the mayor received.

Current mayor Henry Gilbrandt did not offer verbal comment, but he did shotgun 21 cans of Miller Lite during his weekly press conference/Twitch stream, after which point he stood in place and saluted for several minutes until he started puking and collapsed…

SEE UNELECTED, PG. 11

Dog-Fighting Ring Busted

By: Bret Moran

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION - A dog-fighting circuit was infiltrated and busted by Oddland PD on Sunday night, following the completion of a two-year investigation. There were over fifty individual dogs arrested and several humans who acted as facilitators were also pinched during the raid. Unofficial reports cite that several good bois were caught in the cross fire, a sad day for all. See Spot mourn.

Oddland PD released a statement explaining parts of the organizational structure and key conspirators for the dog-fighting circuit. “We had been following most of these dogs for multiple years, combining efforts across departments via wire-tapping, confidential informants, low-level drug busts, and treats for good boys. We were able to eventually stitch together the entire network and bring these dogs to justice,” said sheriff Jason Nedward while holding one of the accused dogs by the scruff of his neck at the podium.

The dogs who were arrested have been formally charged with sanction 11A-22K9, “dogs engaged in organized or semi-organized debate, including discussions of films or literature.” The moniker of “dog-fighting” was merely a sexier way of reporting the incident; these were dogs who were engaged in civil debate about topical issues. While this is not a federal or even state crime, Oddland law makes this a criminal offense punishable by up to 25 dog-years in prison.

Noted canine defense attorney Benji Rexerson was unavailable for comment, but it is believed that he will be one of the defenders of the dogs accused of the heinous crimes and…

SEE WOOF, PG. 14

COMMUNITY

Cascading Sinkholes Are Swallowing Large Parts of the Town Whole; What This Means For You

By: Margaret Applehill

ODDLAND SINKHOLES - You may have noticed that more and more swaths of land are being devoured by rapidly expanding sinkholes and this is largely considered to be a bad thing. Just last week half a dozen homes on Barbier Street collapsed into another sinkhole, sending the houses, cars, and humans into the unknown abyss below, never to return.

Luckily, the Oddland Sinkhole Response Team has been formed and will be sending out surveys to all residents to assess what help is directly needed. While the forms and blood sample collection units are sent out, there are a few things that the typical Oddland resident can do to make the most of their experience of “existence” in town. I spoke with Renata Yilopski, the director of the OSRT for her thoughts on how Oddlanders can manage the sinkhole problem. The below interview has been shortened for clarity and print space.

Margaret Applehill: Hi, Renata. Thank you for sitting with me to discuss the sinkholes.

Renata Yilopski: Sure, sure. Absolutely. Happy to be here. This is an important discussion that needs to be shared.

[DISCUSSION SHORTENED]

MA: Great, thanks for your time and all the wonderful work you’re doing.

RY: Thanks for giving me a platform to provide such useful information to the public. Make sure everyone at least does tip number one!

While the sinkholes continue to expand with no relent, the OSRT does believe that eventually…

SEE BELOW, PG. 20

Town Beggar Saves Enough to Open Hot Dog Stand

By: Ian Pend

GREATER ODDLAND AREA - A true story of perseverance and hope, Jakob Tabbs, better known as the town beggar who is always wearing dirty, tattered rags and begging for spare change was able to save enough money to rent a hot dog cart and open the stand for business over the weekend. Mr. Tabbs had his hot dog cart shut down mere hours later after an anonymous call was sent to Oddland PD. Mr. Tabbs did not have the proper permits to operate a food cart, nor did he have proof of a passing health inspection from the city.

Chief Inspector Donaldson commented on the matter, “I mean, the dude literally just sleeps on the streets. His finger nails are several inches long and completely brown. What did you expect?” Inspector Donaldson then made a face of pure disgust and took a moment to collect himself before continuing, “so yeah, anyway…we fined him $500 and confiscated a bunch of sodas from his stand.”

According to an anonymous source at town hall, there was also a business filing issue with Mr. Tabbs as he listed his legal address as “the alleyway behind The Jewel Diner” and for his phone number he listed the number for a combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell located in Paterson, New Jersey.

A GoFundMe was started by a group of concerned and altruistic citizens to help Mr. Tabbs pay his fines and apply for the necessary paperwork to legally open his…

SEE HUSTLE, PG. 34

OPINION

Do People Actually Shower?

By: Hermes Itcrab

I mean, really? Do you? Why? I haven’t showered for a few months now and no one has said anything to me about smelling or looking dirty or anything, not once. I do a lot of work, too. I spend a few hours per day collecting firewood; sometimes that’s just collecting tinder and kindling, or sometimes that’s chopping down a tree and splitting logs all day.

I also do a lot of foraging, hunting and growing of my own food. I’ll go through the woods checking my traps every day. Sometimes they’ve gone off but captured nothing, other times a nice juicy squirrel or rabbit is waiting for me. I pick berries and leaves, and usually just eat them raw. I’m growing corn and potatoes, with some peppers, tomatoes, and cucumbers as extras.

And then the wolves.

The wolves come every night, the full pack of them. Howling, rabid, wild wolves. They circle my cabin repeatedly, as if to taunt me. They screech and cackle and call out my name, “Hermes, we’ve come for you. We want to bathe in your blood.” I keep my rifle in my hands and lap and sit on my rocking chair, ready and waiting should they decide to jump into my home.

“Hermes, come out and play with our fangs, we want to see how tough your skin is,” they continue to call to me. My rifle weighs a thousand pounds sitting in my lap and my eyes roll back into my head. I hear more…

SEE CLEAN, PG. 43

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