Report Confirms Our Greatest Fear: Ghosts Are Real and Are Naked All The Time
By: Mita Rajnan
OUR NIGHTMARES - The Science Factory has released a damning 115-page report confirming what is quite possibly the worst news we as a people could have received: ghosts exist in our world and are nude at all times, walking around with all their bits flopping around and passing directly through us with their genitalia. We basically live in a non-stop ghost orgy, except no one is getting laid. God help us all.
Doctor Reynolds, the sexy and mysterious lead scientist at The Science Factory confirmed this scenario in a press conference following the official release of the report. Dr. Reynolds stood there in nothing but his white lab coat, the top two buttons undone, showing his glistening chest. Shaped round by his bulging pectoral muscles, some in the audience found it hard to focus on the details about apparitions Dr. Reynolds was providing. When he talked about ectoplasm and cascading energy levels, my god, it’s like he was only talking to you, just you and him stuck in a life raft in the ocean with nothing but time and curious hands.
The confirmation that we live in a world that is little more than a walking meat market of an afterlife for ghosts is not exactly shocking. When the mayor’s aide Jean-Baptiste Hammerfist accidentally ate a peanut last year and was briefly legally dead, upon regaining consciousness he kept screaming “they were all naked,” over and over again until he was eventually sedated and kept for observation. We can presume that Mr. Hammerfist actually slipped into a higher plane of being and was able to view the ghosts that are all around us at all times, totally naked.
There was also a brief but important section of the report that outlined various ways to keep your private residence ghost-free. While many residents would find it difficult to obtain such a large quantity of blood, the more common…
SEE SHEETLESS, PG. 133
Pricing Error at Super Cheap Grocery Results in Eleven Arrests, Fifteen Hospitalizations
By: Newp Errson
SUPER CHEAP GROCERY - While the prices are usually consumer-friendly at Super Cheap Grocery or “SCP” as it’s colloquially called by Oddlanders, a network error caused all the prices to be reduced by 90% when the decimal place was moved one place to the left on the entire costing structure of the store. This meant that a thick, juicy cut of rib-eye steak normally priced $12.99 per pound was now ringing up at only $1.29 per pound.
After the first few customers realized the error was happening, the entire store broke out into a melee. Shoppers fought over expensive chocolates, large bottles of alcohol, exotic cuts of meat, even five-pound bags of those watermelon flavored sweet and sour candies. Who needs that much candy? It’s literally just pure sugar shaped like a watermelon.
The brawl turned ugly when shoppers started to use items for sale as weapons. Grilling spatulas and tongs were a popular choice, as were steak knives and rolling pins. One man walked around with a cast iron frying pan hitting people as hard as he could in the face, while one woman decided to do as much damage as possible by driving her 1999 Buick LeSabre directly through the front of the store. The car became stuck on the wreckage and the spinning tires began to smoke, adding a literal fog of war to the store.
The Oddland Police Department arrived approximately 45 minutes after the call came in and officers were able to take control of the scene. They arrested nearly a dozen shoppers while the paramedics rushed another fifteen to the ER. The staggering quantity of corpses littered throughout the store were too many to count properly, and it is estimated that…
SEE SALE, PG. 218
Residents Advised to Remain Indoors All Day Today
By: Sarah Bruno
GREATER ODDLAND AREA - Oddlandians who use the Oddland-only social media app STRNG received a strange mass-message yesterday evening that read “Robo is sending the eye-bots tomorrow. Stay inside if you want to keep your eyes.”
Glenn Mann, the head of PR and Chief Eyeball Officer of Roboboros, the company that created and released STRNG held an emergency press conference approximately one hour after the message was sent to users. “One of our programmers, I don’t know him personally but people tell me he’s a real loser…he hacked into the platform and sent that weirdo message. There is no reason to stay inside tomorrow, in fact it’d be best for everyone if you all were outside around 2:00 in the afternoon, if that’s possible. That’d really make things easier for us.” Mr. Mann had a lit cigarette hanging from his mouth and was wearing a Four Loko t-shirt.
Moments after Mr. Mann made this comment live on-air, another mass message on STRNG was sent to all users that said “do not believe the mann.” After visibly taking his phone out of his pocket and looking at it for several moments, Glenn Mann chuckled slightly and then said “for real, just be outside tomorrow at 2:00, it’ll be easier,” and then Mr. Mann took a deep, deep drag from his cigarette which he held way longer than anyone would want to, and then finally blew the smoke out from his nose. He stared at the group of reporters for several moments and then walked away from the podium.
Previously published third-party audits of STRNG have noted several flaws with the social media platform’s security and have warned that user data is unsafe. Seeing as the app requires a scanned copy of both your birth certificate and social security card to create an account, one must wonder if…
SEE LOOK, PG. 383
Local Children’s Author Publishes New Book
By: Insiki McGeorge
ODDLAND PUBLIC LIBRARY AND NOSE REMOVAL SITE - Beloved children’s author and resident of Oddland Yeyyeyyi Forn has released the sixth book in their beloved “Canned Soup” chronicles. The new entry is titled Blood Red Tomato: The Shoe Bandit and The Crow and is just incomprehensible garbage by any real standard, but for some reason elementary schoolers seem to really love it.
We spoke with Yeyyeyyi before they performed a public reading of the 655-page book in full at the Oddland Public Library and Nose Removal Site. When asked about the inspiration for the book, Yeyyeyyi said “the book…called to me. In my sleep. In my dreams. It spoke and I listened. I awoke, but entered a catatonic state. When I broke free from the trance, I was holding the manuscript in my left hand.”
The author read from their book non-stop, spanning just over 25 hours to get through the entire tomb. All of the children in attendance at the beginning of the reading had left, and for several consecutive hours Yeyyeyyi read aloud to no one at all, but they continued onward nevertheless. Nearing the completion of the book, a small crowd gathered again and listened to the author dramatically read through the climax of the story. After shakily delivering the final words of the novel, Yeyyeyyi closed the book, shut their eyes, and stood in silence. A single tear rolled down their cheek and dropped off their face down onto the book.
The book retails at the absurd price of $55.99 for the “standard” copy and has fourteen other editions that go all the way up in price to $4,500 for the “Yeyyeyyi Special Edition Heritage Copy” which is a copy of the book that the author has crafted from the skin of…
SEE BOOKS, PG. 490
Recreation Department Hosting First Annual Youth Wood Logging Contest
By: Fiona Warnt
FREDERICKS PARK - The Recreation Department is hosting the first annual wood logging contest for all children between the ages of six and ten. According to head of the Rec. Dept. Julie Baker, the logging contest was chosen as the next annual activity after receiving feedback that the annual cider chugging contest was too dangerous.
Participants of the contest will have to choose a tree in Fredericks Park, fell and limb the tree with an ax, buck it with a bow saw, split the logs with a maul, and then burn the firewood in The Fire Pit of Hellacious Torture, where the Chose One must suffer the flame. This year, Dave Nilan has been decided as the chosen one for the flame, congrats Dave!
The first small child to achieve all of the above will officially be crowned this years champion and will receive a $25 gift card to The Jewel Diner. There will also be a meat roast following the completion of the contest with meals served approximately one to two hours after the contest ends. Vegetarian options will also be available.
Other activities will also be available throughout the day, including a porcupine decorating contest, seeing who can throw a hammer into the air the highest, and something that the recreation department simply lists as “Scare.” A five dollar donation is suggested although donations of teeth or toes are also…
SEE SAWYER, PG. 655
This issue of The Weirdy Wordy has been brought to you by looking in your fridge for something good to eat but you don’t find anything, so you close the door and then a few minutes later look again and there’s a live pigeon inside the fridge now.
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