No. 35 - August 25th, 2021

Tornadoman, Wolfman, Rockman, Spiderman, Deadman

NEWS

Tornadonians Demand Equal Rights

By: Janet Wu

MUNICIPAL BUILDING, MAIN ST. - After a flurry of protests which resulted in thousands of dollars in damages to several different buildings on Main street, a group of Tornadonians protested outside of the municipal building demanding that they receive equal rights within Oddland. Chants of “We’re people too” and “Kill the mayor” could be heard at the demonstration.

The Tornadonians are people who spontaneously emerge in the wake of bad storms, often being made completely of fast moving winds tightly wound within the diameter about the size of a human being. They are known for their ability to control the winds, their unique naming system, and their really, really tasty apple pie recipe.

Mayor Gilbrandt stepped out of the municipal building and spoke with the protestors directly. “My people, my people, please. Listen to me. You are people too!” With that, the crowd erupted in cheers. A small Tornadonian boy ran up the mayor and gave him a high-five. The mayor then offered the boy to go down low, however the child was too slow.

The mayor continued, “And within the official town charter, you are technically Class 4 People, the same as talking dogs, robots that gain runaway sentience, and anyone over the age of 55.” The crowd quieted down noticeably, but the mayor continued, explaining the 24 different classes of citizens within Oddland including the several sub-classes that exist within each unique class system. The mayor did not include any information about the unknown amount of special classes of people that exist but did allude to them by saying “…and some other stuff you don’t need to know about,” at the end of his 32-minute-long explanation to the…

SEE TWISTER, PG. 2

Rare Allergic Reaction Turns Man Into Werewolf; City Unsure Whether to Dispatch Animal Control or Police

By: Ralph Duty

GREATER ODDLAND AREA - An unidentified man/beast was eating at THROAT, the Thai-Mex-SoCal-Iceland-NewJersey fusion food eatery where the entirety of your order is mixed together and then slopped onto the floor out of a bucket and is left untouched for only two minutes before it is cleaned up and you are forced to leave, where he reportedly ate a root vegetable known as a “Baker’s Turnip” and within seconds had a violent, insane allergic reaction.

According to eyewitness reports, the man started screaming and bent down to the floor, his skin expanding and growing fur rapidly all over it, the bones in his face breaking apart and restructuring into an entirely new shape, his limbs lengthening, his penis undoubtedly turning into that weird little bulby type of thing, and then arose as a werewolf, letting out a shrieking howl and jumping through the window of the restaurant to run wild through the streets.

911 dispatchers received several calls about the wolfman through the night, and that is where the problems began. Some dispatchers believed that this was clearly an issue for Oddland PD, who are known to have a stockpile of silver bullets that they will fire into the air wildly for fun. Other dispatchers however, felt that Oddland Animal Control would be better-suited to address the problem, arguing that werewolves are more wolf than man.

The arguments within the dispatch infrastructure were sent upward to the supervisor level, however the debate only became more hostile between senior dispatchers. After three hours of formal arguments and a brief video presentation, a simple majority vote was cast and Oddland PD was chosen to be notified of the violent and dangerous werewolf literally ripping citizens in half. Unfortunately due to the delay in sending the police, only two…

SEE GENES, PG. 13

Stalagmites Growing Faster Than Stalactites in Oddland Caverns; Crisis Declared

By: Plantagenet Butter, Jr.

ODDLAND CAVERNS & THRIFTY GIFT SHOP - The Oddland Board of Environmental Hazards has called an emergency session for tomorrow afternoon, in light of the shocking findings of the 47th Quinquennial Survey of the Oddland Caverns & Thrifty Gift Shop. The Book of the 47th Survey - hastily published last night after its preface was leaked earlier in the day to The Weirdy Wordy - determined that stalagmites had grown an average of 2.5 millimeters more than stalactites had since the 46th Survey. This revelation gave rise to consternation and wailing throughout Oddland.

Goldilox Baerhaus, a recent arrival in Oddland, explained how she heard the news. “I was at the furniture store, testing out chairs and beds. Someone ran in the shop and screamed, ‘The stalagmites are growing too fast! They're way too big!’”

“I didn't get what the fuss was about,” continued Ms. Baerhaus. “Then the shop owner told me that stalagmites have a 'g' in their name and go up from the ground, while stalactites have a 'c' and come down from the ceiling. And then I got upset too.”

Ex-officio hazards board member Manfred Jensenjen sought to calm fears in advance of the emergency meeting. “The legend that the Caverns are a giant mouth and stalagmites are grinding teeth - these are rumors and superstitions! The only thing we have to fear is the tyrannosaur in the Oddland Spooky Forest & Family Fun Zone. Why worry about anything else?”

When asked to account for why stalactites no longer outgrew stalagmites as they had in the prior 46 Surveys, Mr. Jensenjen…

SEE CRISIS, PG. 39-Q

COMMUNITY

Mrs. Wimsby’s Spider Collection Missing; Feared Stolen

By: Nelson Krukar

117 HORNBUTTON ROAD - Mrs. Elaine Wimsby has claimed that her collection of exotic spiders is missing. Oddland Police made a visitation to her old and decrepit three-story house at the end of Hornbutton road over the weekend to take her statement. The police noted that several thousand spiders were within the house, but Mrs. Wimsby said that those were just regular spiders, not part of her collection.

We spoke with Mrs. Wimsby and she was very upfront about what she thought had happened. “I know who stole them, it was my sister, Elizabeth. She’s upset because I wouldn’t give her any of the valuables I found while adventuring through the lost cit-” Mrs. Wimsby stopped mid-sentence here, cleared her throat, and then continued, “…anyway she is mad at me and took my spiders.”

Mrs. Wimsby confirmed that a collection of her size and scope would be worth several millions to the right collector. When asked who the “right collector” for such a collection could possibly be, Mrs. Wimsby quickly changed the subject and suggested that I either finish my tea or I would be wearing it.

This is not the first time the Wimsby sisters have made headlines. The iconic duo have been featured many times in the ink/blood of this very paper, most recently highlighting the tawdry details of the dissolvement of their business partnership which included the battle over Mr. Jenkins, a pet Rhesus macaque the two had obtained from parts unknown during one of their…

SEE SISTERS, PG. 55

OBITUARIES

Dimitri Black, 33, of Oddland

Dimitri Black, up-and-coming journalist and life-long resident of Oddland passed away violently last night at the age of 33. His family was by his side, also dead. He was born as most of us are; completely naked. He lived in an iron lung as a young boy but was visited by a local witch and then made a miraculous recovery. According to a stat book from the 2005 season of the Oddland High Realm Walkers basketball team, Mr. Black is credited with performing a slam dunk during a game against Gated Forest. So at least he was able to slam the fuck out of a basketball; something most of us will never do.

Mr. Black was known as a practical joker and was constantly making people laugh. He was also a big fan of mythological creatures, often claiming that he wished he was a salamander so he could “be consumed by fire and not feel the burn.” What a crack-up!

He had recently transitioned into a career of independent journalism and was working on a hard-hitting piece about the intersection between social media influencers, sex workers, and deplatforming in the scope of modern America. Mr. Black submitted an initial draft of his piece for review to the editorial staff of The Weirdy Wordy, but unfortunately the official policy of our paper is to shred all incoming submissions immediately, so Mr. Black’s final work is unsalvageable and lost forever to the sands of time and the Roboboros Shred-Max 2195XL.

Dimitri will be remembered for being extremely good looking and made of carbon. Rest in peace, Dimitri Black. His body has been vaporized, there is no funeral service.

SEE DEATH, PG. BEYOND

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Contact The Weirdy Wordy Staff at: janitor@weirdywordy.com