Mayor Gilbrandt and City Council Issue Joint Congratulations to The Steeped Bean
By: Harnvarn Thurgood
MUNICIPAL BUILDING, MAIN ST. - A rare joint congratulations was sent by the office of the mayor and the city council chambers Monday afternoon to Jolene Grey and her coffee house The Steeped Bean for “excellence in community-building and coffeeship.” A fancy certificate was printed and sent to Ms. Grey but was lost in the Mailstrom, a constant vortex and storm system that sits in the parking lot of Air Time Bouncey Land where Oddlanders go to pick up their mail and packages.
Mayor Gilbrandt provided additional context during his weekly Twitch stream/press conference, “Oh yeah, I love that spot. They make a great hazelnut latte, and they have these really good banana walnut muffins. They’ve been blasting scorching hot coffee vapor into people’s faces, burning them badly and disfiguring them; it’s awesome.”
The City Council, the cheese-being who was animated to life via unknown dark magic and currently is the head of the city council of Oddland, offered similar comments. “My new existence as a being of this world has been full of constant, unending pain and torture…but The Steeped Bean has made it slightly better.”
Jolene Grey simply asked me, “Are you ordering something? If ya aren’t, kindly step aside for paying customers, Harn.” I did not order anything, and I was asked to leave the establishment a few moments later. One has to wonder if the joint congratulations was little more than a publicity stunt to keep both the mayor and the city council in the news cycle for another week, or if there really is something extraordinary about…
SEE THANKS, PG. 04
Arthur Tootybooty Memorial Art Gallery Begins Reconstruction
By: Margaret Applehill
ODDLAND ARTS DISTRICT - Five months after being destroyed during an epic battle to determine the fate of Oddland, the Arthur Tootybooty Memorial Art Gallery has finally secured provisional funding to begin the long process of reconstruction.
Renamed to celebrate Arthur Tootybooty after his passing in 1984, the gallery remained a staple in the modern art scene, producing such legendary collections as Brouvard’s Requiem for a Pineapple Slushie, Ginot’s I Am the Pants and the longest-running exhibit in the gallery’s history, Vivando’s Quiet Eyes Over the City. Any local artist who finally found their voice would undoubtedly have to prove it at the Tootybooty gallery.
But when Gus, the 25-foot tall creature made from all the lions in the zoo merging together attacked Oddland during a period of civil unrest and mass-rioting, the gallery and the entire arts district of Oddland were razed by the battle between the giant-lion-monster and our very own The City Council. Oddland was saved, but the heart and soul of Oddland was crushed into the Earth.
And now we begin to rebuild. Following the approval of a new budgetary provision, approximately two million dollars has been set aside to rebuild the arts district over the next five years. Bidding has begun with several contractors all vying to be awarded the contract and begin rebuilding the famed gallery. Complicating matters slightly is the discovery of several thousand pounds of human remains discovered amongst the rubble, necessitating a specific…
SEE ARTWORK, PG. 09
Annual Photoshop Contest Ends with Disqualification; No Winner Awarded
By: Janet Wu
GREATER ODDLAND AREA - Oddland’s annual Photoshop contest has turned controversial when the original winning image, Mayor Gilbrandt Punching a Dinosaur in Space was revealed to not actually be a creative work of Photoshop, but merely a photograph of the mayor punching a dinosaur while both subjects were in space. This breaks the rules and spirit of the Photoshop contest and the judges have disqualified the entry, resulting in a “no-contest” ruling for this year.
The identity of the contestant who submitted the fraudulent entry has been kept anonymous for the person’s safety. But fear not, Oddland PD already has them in custody and this person is currently undergoing something that sheriff Nedward referred to only as “The Crushing.”
When asked about the photograph, mayor Gilbrandt laughed and said that was “just another regular day, babes,” and then took a crumbled ball of aluminum foil from his pocket and carefully unwrapped it, revealing a trio of live baby birds. He looked at me and said “I’m their mother now.”
This marks the first time the annual Photoshop contest has ever ended in a no-contest, angering competitors and fans of the yearly tradition alike. “This is worse than the eight-way tie for first from 2005,” said Markian Grun, a competitor in the contest this year. “I mean, I submitted this beautifully crafted image of a man with an enormous…
SEE FABRICATION, PG. 17
Dimitri Black, 33, of Oddland; Not Dead.
WEIRDY WORDY, THE - In a classic bit of egg on our face, it seems our fact-checkers and morgue-watchers had a bit of a mix-up last week when we declared that Dimitri Black of Oddland had passed away. Jon Nepson, a man who literally didn’t even share any of the same letters in his name as Mr. Black, was the actual person who passed away. He was 88 years old and missing an arm from The Void Wars.
We would like to offer an official apology to Mr. Black, who called our offices last week after reading the paper and started belligerently cursing and screaming at anyone who answered the phone. Apparently the news of his own death had triggered a slight existential crisis, and Mr. Black decided to hit the bottle (amongst other substances) and had a bone to pick with the newspeople who named him dead.
“What, you think I haven’t achieved anything in my life yet? Huh? HUH? Oh Sarah, Sarah come back to me. I told you writing wasn’t in my bones, but I’ll still try it for you. They thought I was dead but I ain’t! Please Sarah, just return a call,” Mr. Black can be heard rambling at the 7:42 mark of his 35+ minute long answering machine message he left on our front desk.
So, to Dimitri Black, we apologize! You’re alive and well with nothing to worry about. Please accept a free lifetime subscription to the paper and a gift basket full of assorted rare gems and hand fruits as a token of…
SEE NECRO, PG. 20
I Think, Uhh, I Think You Gave Me the Wrong Order?
By: Saul Mimbs
Hi, uhh, so yeah I came in earlier…yeah, and I think you gave me the wrong order? Well my order was for the vegetarian taco bowl with a side of tortilla chips and this bag has like eight cheeseburgers in it and a sealed jar that says “Goat Blood Milkshake” on it. I don’t even know what that is, is that like some kind of joke…oh…who wants to drink that though?
Anyway. Anyway. This obviously isn’t my order. I don’t eat meat. I don’t drink goat blood…okay that’s fine, I can wait for you guys to make a new one…what do you mean you’re out of the veggie bowl? Okay well use other vegetables, I’m not picky. Oh haha, very funny. Yes, I’m picky about not wanting to eat meat. Yes, I’m picky about not wanting to drink goat blood. Can you just make me a new bowl please? No, no I don’t want this order, please take it back.
Okay…uh huh…contractually obligated? How can…yeah…no what I’m saying is how can you claim someone is contractually obligated to eat the food you give them…on your site? I did? No of course I didn’t read it, it was like five pages long. I just scrolled to the bottom and clicked “Accept.”
So I legally have to eat this? What the fuck is this? Is this some kind of prank or something…wait, what? I have to legally consume it within one hour? Well, how long has it been so far…oh god…
SEE CLARITY, PG. 22
This issue of The Weirdy Wordy has been brought to you by going for a really long run and crying for part of it because life is so beautiful and painful at the same time and then when you get home you eat a bunch of donuts and life really is beautiful and you’re still crying.
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