Weirdy Wordy No. 37 - September 8th, 2021

Danger Tubes, Torture Tubes, Chicken Tubes, Carbonated Tubes, Pig Tubes

NEWS

Monday’s Sunset Filled With Snakes

By: Margaret Applehill

GREATER ODDLAND AREA - Pure, absolute terror came to Oddland on Monday afternoon as the entirety of the sunset was somehow filled with snakes, defying all logic and several natural laws. Hundreds of thousands of snakes of various species, sizes and temperaments poured over the horizon, hissing like crazy and slithering directly towards the center of town, enveloping anyone and anything they encountered on their way.

“It was really terrifying,” said Dr. H. Jones, a local archaeology professor and eyewitness to the event. “I’ve gotten myself into some pretty hairy situations before,” Dr. Jones said before taking another sip of coffee, and then continued, “but snakes…I hate snakes.”

Scientists are still trying to understand the event fully to discern where the snakes came from and how the spontaneous sunset snakening occurred. An emergency meeting of the Council of Smarties has been called; the council is a group of scientists covering over 100 fields and only meets during the most dire of situations. While the session was closed to the public, one scientist confirmed that a variety of possible reasons for the snakes were discussed, including “void runoff, Snake God attacking Oddland, local zoological experiments gone wrong, nature being nature,” and at least three dozen other possible causes.

While no new snakes emerged from Tuesday’s sunset, most of the town remained indoors and/or fighting snakes endlessly throughout most of the day following Monday’s event. One positive effect of the mass-snake outpouring is the decrease of cost for snake skin boots, although the snake-skinners would not call this a…

SEE SSSSSS, PG. SS

Recycling Program Turns Cans Into Iron Maiden, Donated to Dungeon of Despair and Agony

By: Fiona Warnt

DDA INC. - The Dungeon of Despair and Agony accepted a donation of a brand new iron maiden over the weekend after a year-long recycling campaign focused on improving the recycle rates of food cans in Oddland. The campaign was considered a resounding success, increasing steel food cans from a 22% recycle rate all the way to an astounding 81% recycling rate in just six months.

Director/God of Recycling, Emsheera, was happy with the results. “You have taken something useless; an empty, unfilled can, and made it into something beautiful and meaningful. You must remember human, that all things old will be turned new again, through the fires of municipal recycling.” Emsheera then slowly floated into the air and when her head was about to collide with the ceiling her body phased out of material being and she continued to float effortlessly.

Mr. Longtooth, the Director of the Dungeon of Despair and Agony was equally happy that the recycling program was successful. “We live in a world where consequences don’t always seem apparent,” Mr. Longtooth said as he drew strange symbols across his bare chest before continuing, “but eventually we all must pay our pound of flesh. Now we have another method of collecting that pound from our wretched citizens.”

Despite the positive results, Oddland still lags behind neighboring cities in terms of recycling rates overall. Less than 25% of all recyclable items in Oddland end up sent to a recycling center. This includes body parts, which remain highly valuable for both resurrection purposes as well as alternative…

SEE DEVISED, PG. 25

COMMUNITY

City Sector 1187.2 Being Rezoned to Commercial Territory

By: Insiki McGeorge

214 GRANT AVE. - Sector 1187.2 has officially been rezoned to commercial territory following a succesful procedural vote and 24 hour appeal period. This territory includes approximately 2 feet of hallway inside an apartment building that leads to a small bathroom and the entirety of the bathroom itself excluding the far corner of the bathtub.

This rezoning to commercial territory is part of an ongoing effort by The City Council to expand the commercial viability of Oddland as a whole. The new lease for this commercial area has already been signed by a “chicken-dog” vendor who makes hotdogs out of the scraps of chicken meat and then slathers barbeque sauce all over the meat and bun.

The former lease holder of this location, one Mr. Riley Patterson, has been awarded a stipend of $25 to cover the costs of losing the majority of his bathroom and also having to live his private residential life with a chicken-dog vendor operating their business from a small room of the apartment. Mr. Patterson was not present at the voting process but is confirmed to be currently alive.

The City Council confirmed that these so-called “micro rezoning projects” would continue over the next few years until it becomes impossible to realistically live anywhere within Oddland without having to share space with a business of some kind. At that point, something called “The Great Shift” would begin, according to the…

SEE DISTRICT, PG. 50

Diet Dr. Fedler Cherry-Blueberry Soda Reappears on Shelves Following Space-Time Continuum Warping

By: Mita Rajnan

ODDLAND, 1988? - Diet Dr. Fedler Cherry-Blueberry Soda was last seen on shelves in the Summer of 1988 when following a series of failed health and safety inspections, the Fedler Bottling Plant was forced to close down. The company filed for bankruptcy a year later and the beloved Oddland local beverage was never seen again.

Except for last Thursday, when vintage cans of the infamous soft drink appeared on shelves at Super Cheap Grocery seemingly without explanation. Todd, a clerk at the Super Cheap was reported as saying “Nah, wasn’t me,” when asked if he had anything to do with the soda showing up on shelf.

Scientists were able to quickly figure out that part of the space-time continuum had been tampered with, resulting in warping that caused this sudden reappearance of the soda on shelves. Doug Polega, local astrophysicist confirmed this theory during a phone discussion. “Yeah, classic Martinez Warping effect. I hope that this doesn’t get worse.” When I asked Mr. Polega what he meant by that comment, he stuttered repeatedly and finally sputtered out “kitchen delivery” and hung up the phone.

Diet Dr. Fedler Cherry-Blueberry Soda is best known for its cotton-candy-like flavor and the highly-touted “Never Flat” formula that somehow kept the carbonation for months after being opened. Space-time is known for being fully intact and linearly perceived (at least for us humans) and mostly a good thing. These two popular items intersecting feels less like a coincidence and more like someone has been playing an elaborate…

SEE QUENCH, PG. 75

OPINION

We Should Eat Ham More Often

By: Yiils Giordano

Think of the greatest moments of your life; your wedding day, the day you win the lottery, the day you figured out the name of that song that doesn’t have any intelligible lyrics in it. All great, universal moments of celebration in our lives, and what did they have in common? Ham.

Undoubtedly, following your wedding or your big lottery jackpot win, you went home, unburied a nice thick ham from your freezer, thawed it in the microwave and then slow-roasted it in on a low temperature in your oven for several hours before finally slicing off a few pieces and eating it, savoring every single bite. Ham is the food of celebration, and we should eat more of it.

Ham is already a regular part of our lives; just look at hamburgers. Sure, they aren’t made of ham, but their name is made of ham. We’re halfway to the goal line here, we just need to actually make them from ham and eat them. The name is already sitting there waiting for us. We need to answer their call.

Some people have called me a lunatic. Some have called me a prophet. Some have called me an employee of the Honey Baked Ham Company, and that I am simply trying to drum up more business so that my quota of sold hams allows my bonus payout structure to increase to a higher percentage level of my annual salary. All of you are correct. I am a man of the ham and I will not allow…

SEE PORKED, PG. 100

This issue of The Weirdy Wordy has been brought to you by finding a really cool looking phone case for your phone but then you remember that you haven’t owned that specific phone since 2006 and you just woke up from a 15 year coma.

Contact The Weirdy Wordy Staff at: janitor@weirdywordy.com