Weirdy Wordy No. 38 - September 15th, 2021

Jack, Kong, Deep, Stomach, The Two of Them

NEWS

In Anticipation of Autumn, Pumpkins Now Legally Deemed as Pets

By: Harnvarn Thurgood

MUNICIPAL BUILDING, MAIN ST. - The City Council, the leader of the city council and literal man-made-of-cheese has passed through a surprise amendment to the bylaws of the city; all pumpkins will now have the same legal designation as pets. That means that harming pumpkins in any way, like stabbing them, scooping out their guts, sloppily carving faces into their rotting flesh, or even eating them is now considered a class one offense.

“I’ve been meaning to make this happens for months,” The City Council said while gathering together his items after the meeting had adjourned. “You never know what sort of things are going to come to life, right?” The City Council then winked at me but when he did the eye that he used to wink dislodged from its location on his face and drooped downward several inches.

Many Oddlanders are upset with this controversial measure, including famed local artist Jenna Webber. Ms. Webber had been planning on using approximately three thousand pumpkins for an artistic display to celebrate Halloween this year. “But I guess that idea is out the window, now,” Ms. Webber said to me over a Zoom call. She then accidentally shared her screen with me and it was revealed that she had been looking at hundreds of pictures of canned peaches, for some reason.

Ironically the measure will not be ratified into law until December 21st, the first day of Winter, but the uncertainty of how to treat pumpkins has already caused problems, including pumpkin pie now being considered…

SEE GORED, PG. 11

Oddland Census Has Challenging Requirements

By: Sarah Bruno

GREATER ODDLAND AREA - In addition to the government-issued identification to complete the census, a new requirement has proven too tough for some citizens to handle. As part of the mayor’s “Sense Us Census” initiative, any resident filling out a census form will be required to complete the 1994 megahit video game Donkey Kong Country to the “101%” completion rate per the game’s save status. Failure to do so after completing the census will nullify the census and the form will be interpreted as being filled out by a hostile robot.

The mayor was unavailable this week during his normal press conference/Twitch stream with no prior notice given regarding his absence. A nameless, faceless, shapeless, and humorless aid from the mayor’s office confirmed the requirements for the census and then added “it’s pretty easy, I did it when I was eight.”

The Oddland census program has a history of being controversial. In 1978 the Shadow Council (the ruling government structure at the time) filled out every form with “everyone is doing fine” and no other information, despite the active civil war occurring within Oddland, to say nothing of the juggler revolution. And even the previous census from 2018 proved troublesome when because of a copy + paste error, all the questions were replaced with 200-character-strings of text from the mayor’s manuscript about a plunger that comes to life but remains idle in its usual location behind the toilet out of comfort.

The census is an important democratic tool that determines how Oddlanders are…

SEE COUNT, PG. 28

Rare Planetary Black Hole Swallows Man

By: Luna Rhea

MOON RESIDENCE - David Moon, 23, fell into a black hole Saturday morning. Rescue teams are currently coordinating how to save him from an untimely demise but there is no solution yet. Callisto Spires, an astrophysicist from Berkeley who flew to Oddland yesterday said, “We’re doing everything we can to save David, but we currently don’t know if he’s in another dimension or dead. There’s not a lot known about planetary black holes.”

Scientists say planetary black holes are different than their outer space cousins. “It’s like a stationary bottomless pit,” said Rocky Demois, an environmental scientist out of Ohio. “This kind of black hole has a force field that you can feel, like an electromagnetic pulse that makes your hair stand on end. But it doesn’t have a gravitational pull and it doesn’t spin so there’s no event horizon…we know the circumference of the hole because it’s densely black.”

Several drones were sent into the black hole and each time lost signal within five minutes. The team remains unable to recover the drones because visibility inside the black hole is both limited and spatially confusing. “Cardinal directions don’t exist in this kind of environment,” Spires said, “but even without the ability to navigate via conventional methods, we can map the area using infrared which will let us know where ‘pockets’ of energy are. These pockets are what we think are dimensional fields, but we only have a few minutes to map the area each time, so it’s very limiting.”

Recently graduating college and looking forward to starting a new job, David wanted to see his family before moving to Florida. On the day of the incident, David initially came downstairs for breakfast. His mother Francis said she made him his favorite, french toast and he took a plate of it with him back upstairs. Moments later, Francis heard David scream and she ran upstairs where she found a black hole in the middle of his bedroom floor.

Planetary black holes differ from their celestial counterparts in many ways. Some physicists speculate they’re like doorways into other celestial destinations. This belief stems from an early study conducted by Nicholson Carme in 1982 when the first planetary black hole opened up in Antarctica. “What makes us think these are inter-dimensional portals is that when we discovered the one in Antarctica, a Leptocyon (a prehistoric dog-like animal weighing around 5 pounds) came walking through it,” Demois stated. Whether or not the theory is true remains to…

SEE PORTAL, PG. 37

COMMUNITY

The Jewel Diner Serving Up Pepto Bismol Milkshakes

By: Ian Pend

THE JEWEL - Everyone’s favorite local haunt has reintroduced their infamous Pepto Bismol milkshakes, in which a full bottle of the neon-pink antacid is poured into a 64-ounce strawberry milkshake. The experience is often called “horrifying” by residents but the milkshake remains a crowd-favorite, for some reason. Long lines that wrap several times around the building of the diner are already queued, despite a firm daily limit of 100 milkshakes being served.

“We keep running out of bottles of Pepto,” says manager Sigonetto Royvorno. “They told us it was ‘supply chain issues’ but what does that even mean, ya know? I’m just a person who runs a diner, not some scientist or business wiz.” Sigonetto then excused themself as they ran over to an unruly customer in the diner and slapped them across the face hard enough to knock out several teeth from their mouth.

In the interest of fairness, I waited in line for six days to try one of these hallowed milkshakes myself. When I finally got my order I was hallucinating pretty badly; mostly snakes and bugs made of shadows around the edges of my field of vision, but I also had a conversation with my long-dead great grandmother, who I’ve only seen in photographs. We discussed local politics while I embibed the pink brew.

It’s difficult to describe, but there is something appealing about the elixir. Perhaps it’s the pink-on-pink flamboyance of the milkshake, or perhaps it’s the strange medicinal effect of drinking an entire bottle of…

SEE THICK, PG. 109

OPINION

You Are Lost, But It’s Okay

By: Dorlak & Sarjinak the Conjurer

We’ve been searching for you, Jake. It’s okay though, it’s how this whole thing is supposed to play out. We are cursed with knowledge, but even though we know where the road ends we still must travel down it. You are lost, but it’s okay.

You’ve been on your own for a while now, in an unknown place. But you’re stronger than you know, Jakey. You have the gift, that’s why we came for you that night. That’s why we’ve been cooped up together in an old Ford Taurus for all these months. You have the gift you just need to see it in your mind. If you believe in us, believe in yourself as well. You are lost, but it’s okay.

None of this even matters, as we’ve said. We know how everything plays out. This article doesn’t even matter, even though it’s what is going to pull you out of the spell. We can write whatever we want here and it doesn’t change the path of time. Booger-face deep sea scrub. See, all good. You are lost, but it’s okay.

Also, do you remember where you last placed your credit card? We checked your backpack but it wasn’t in the pocket you usually leave it in. Do you have it with you? We were looking to order a pizza or two while we wait for you to come back to this realm. We can just find it from an earlier part of the timeline if you have it with you, it’s fine. You are lost, but it’s…

SEE OKAY, PG. 789

This issue of The Weirdy Wordy has been brought to you in part by Alicia Villasenor. She writes a newsletter called The Nationalist which you should check out.

Contact The Weirdy Wordy Staff at: janitor@weirdywordy.com