Weirdy Wordy No. 39 - September 22nd, 2021

Does, Anyone, Even, Read, This?

NEWS

New Drug Usage Increasing Rapidly, Oddland PD Warns

By: Harnvarn Thurgood

ODDLAND POLICE DEPARTMENT - Following the release of last month’s arrest statistics, the Oddland PD Spokes Bot2100 confirmed that the use of “Nootewn,” a new hallucinogenic-opioid drug that produces the distinct sensation of listening to a new favorite song has increased by over 600% from July to August.

Nootewn is the latest designer drug that has gained popularity amongst the general public. The drug creates an intense auditory hallucination of a series of high-pitched bell sounds over and over for the user, which because of the opioid qualities of the drug itself, the user believes is an amazing combination of sounds. This effect begins to wane quickly, resulting in high rates of repeated use of Nootewn.

Mayor Gilbrandt was asked about the drug during his weekly press conference/Twitch stream. The mayor responded, “Oh, you mean like heroin? Yeah I’ve heard of heroin before, you guys know that heroin does like the same exact thing but costs a lot less, right? Like, a lot less.” The mayor then spent approximately fourteen minutes looking at his phone while ignoring repeated questions from reporters asking about his history of drug use.

The Oddland Police department confirmed that while use of Nootewn was illegal, they were not concerned with trying to prevent drug usage amongst the population and instead would focus on arresting drug users because it allowed them to make more arrests and with an increased arrest count the department would receive more funding from…

SEE WOO, PG. 53

Oddland Elementary Begins Annual Hunt

By: Bret Moran

ODDLAND ELEMENTARY - Now that the first week of the school year has commenced, The Hunt may begin. All elementary schoolers should report to Fredericks Park this Friday, September 24th at 6:00am local time. They should bring with them a sleeping bag, a familiar weapon, at least three days worth of food and water, and their completed assignment to create a self-portrait of themselves and their family.

The Hunt is an elementary school tradition for the children of Oddland. Originally done for the practical reasons of reducing population during the “31 Year Food Crisis” from 1967 - 1998, the hunt became a dangerous and fun way of life for the youngsters of Oddland to spend time in nature, terrified of being viciously murdered by one another and/or equally terrified of becoming the type of person who goes around the woods stalking other humans as prey. It’s also great for team-building, somehow.

Some citizens feel that The Hunt is a barbaric, unnecessary hold-over from darker times in Oddland. “The Hunt is a barbaric, unnecessary hold-over from darker times in Oddland,” said Eugene Gradbury, local gardener and winner of The Hunt in 1973. “No one should have to live through it…the things I did to survive, they haunt me every waking moment of my life.” Mr. Gradbury also added that his credit score was extremely low, but later admitted that it was unrelated to his status as King of The Hunt 1973.

The majority of parents feel The Hunt is an important way of life in Oddland, but most are just really excited to have a few days with their kids out of the house and can finally start that remodeling project in the…

SEE GAME, PG. 109

COMMUNITY

350+ Cigar Stations Being Installed Across Town

By: Sarah Bruno

SMOKE IT UP, ODDLAND - After a successful letter-writing campaign followed by a formal petition, the Oddland city council voted on Monday night to install over 350 Cigar Smoking Stations throughout the city. The vote was successful in a 9-6 pass. Henri Ungerson, the leader of the “Smell Our Smoke” campaign was present for the vote and celebrated wildly after the council meeting.

“It’s been a lot of hard work…a lot of years at this point. I lost everything to pursue this; my wife, my kids, my dog, my job. But we out here, we did it. Smoke up, boys.” Mr. Ungerson then took out a pre-cut cigar and drew his matchbox from his pocket before a security guard approached him ordering him to stop. Mr. Ungerson then became belligerent and dropped to his knees screaming something about how people in Italy could smoke wherever they wanted.

The Cigar Smoking Stations at first may sound like a sort of outdoor shelter of some sort, intended for would-be cigar smokers to use during inclement weather or as a general place of congregation. People who assume this are wrong. Instead, the Cigar Smoking Station, a product by the Roboboros Corporation, is a small cylindrical object about three feet high that contains an internal vacuum which slowly and consistently sucks air from a top opening where a lit cigar will be placed. This effectively creates a “smoking cigar” wherever one of the units is installed.

When asked why the measure was approved, one city councilor commented that it would create “up to one job for the city” and then stared blankly for a few moments before smiling and walking away. In a follow-up conversation with the same city councilor, they remarked that “the smell of cigar smoke would now waft through every corner of the city, regardless if there was a smoker present or not.”

Why this was determined as the best use of time and resources is frankly…

SEE PUFF, PG. 212

Sliced Nipple Pepperoni Pizza Running Out of Ingredients

By: Newp Errson

ATE SLICES - Nothing tends to rile people up more than asking about pizza toppings. Some claim that pineapple is amazing on pizza; others will literally surgically remove their skull from their cervical spine, cut open their skull to expose their brain, and then punch and stab their own brain rather than even smell pineapple and pizza together (for more info see last week’s Science section of the paper.)

But there’s one thing everyone can agree on; sliced nipple pepperoni is the best topping on pizza, no questions asked. Originating at Pat’s Pizza in the nearby town of Normalandia, the topping was originally considered a delicacy and required a pre-order of at least two days beforehand for the owner, Patricio Byrne to acquire the necessary amount of nipples for a pie. “Back then, the nipple supply chain didn’t really exist. More of a specialty thing,” Patricio said to me, while literally shoving garlice-roasted amputated fingers in his mouth between breaths.

When Ate Slices, the popular pizza-cold-war-history fusion bar and gastro pub in town started serving sliced nipple pepperoni, or “nicked nip peps” as they call it on their menu, everything changed.

“We received orders for about 50 pies in the first few hours on that first day,” says Millie Jackner, head chef and manager of Ate Slices. “I was like, ‘whoa, we gotta find some nipples asap’ to my staff. They showed up about an hour later with hundreds of ‘em, I still don’t really know where that first batch came from to be honest.”

From there, the supply chain for sliced nipple pepperoni started to build itself out organically, with different distributors and wholesalers filling the gaps for the niche product. But now even with a robust supply chain, a lack of intact nipple material will cause a shortage that could last for several months, perhaps even longer. Some analysts have suggested using an alternative nipple supply, perhaps canine or even…

SEE SPICY, PG. 377

OPINION

Really Good Guest Towels

By: Quigley Fullop

I never realized how expensive owning a home could be until I went shopping for new towels for the guest bathroom. I went to the store last week, I’m not sure which one, Slimers or Frelinghuysen Towels, one of those, and my jaw nearly dropped at the price of hand towels.

Fifty seven dollars for a set of two towels. Fifty seven. Unbelievable. I wondered what my husband would think about me spending that much on towels. I imagined him, laying there in the kitchen, his blood coagulated and sticky to the touch, soiling the white tile. A feeling of warmth came over me, and I smiled before chuckling to myself and saying “Oh, Robert. You’re the reason I need these towels to begin with.”

The cashier asked me why I was buying so many towels. I found this rude. Sure, I had a shopping cart shoved-full of them, but that wasn’t the point. Who are you to ask why I need these soft, plush, and most importantly, absorbent towels? You don’t even know my real name; no one does. Not anyone above ground, anyhow.

The mess is cleaned up, Robert is gone. A nice set of matching towels hang from the bar in the guest bathroom, but I have to wonder if there’s more to life than…

SEE WET, PG. 612

This issue of The Weirdy Wordy has been brought to you by dropping your favorite mug and it hits the ground but doesn’t break or crack or anything but then you put it in the dishwasher and when you open the door later on it somehow turned into a mushroom?

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