Weirdy Wordy No. 40 - September 28th, 2021

Out of Breath, Migraine, New Plastic, Choose Your Garbage, Old Plastic

NEWS

Mayor Gilbrandt Approves Plans to De-Oxygenate City Atmosphere

By: Harnvarn Thurgood

MUNICIPAL BUILDING, MAIN ST. - After what can only be called a literal melee, mayor Henry Gilbrandt’s measure 211P-58NM4, “The Free Breather Bill” was officially passed after a no-vote from the city council resulted in a tie-breaking vote cast by the mayor himself. The divisive and controversial bill approves the installation of large-scale deoxygenation plants which will suck oxygen out of the air and store it in pressurized cannisters.

“This was a great win today for democracy, for the people of Oddland, and most importantly, for me,” said mayor Gilbrandt to reporters after the vote. He continued, “We have several buyers lined up already, clamoring to buy our high quality oxygen. I’m pretty sure we don’t need as much as we have,” mayor Gilbrandt then abruptly stopped talking to reach into his pocket and pull out his phone. After reading it for several moments he said the word “giraffe” under his breath and walked away.

The mayor’s plan to remove, store and sell oxygen from the city’s own atmosphere is not totally unprecedented. The nearby wasteland formerly known as Fallen Oaks implemented a similar plan in 2008. When the majority of their citizens became ill and/or disabled from lack of oxygen, the town fell into disrepair. When the raiders invaded, the town could do little to defend itself. Does Oddland await a similar doom?

Official plans from the mayor’s website does not provide much detailed information. The majority of the site is just photos of people on the beach wearing sunglasses, smoking cigarettes and laughing with one another. The tagline “Sell It If You Got It!” can be seen scattered throughout the site. A “detailed plan” PDF file is located near the bottom of the page, however the link is to an old…

SEE BREATHE, PG. 22

Roboboros Activates “Auto-Pilot” Cerebral Control Units

By: Fiona Warnt

ROBOBOROS HQ - Glenn Mann, the Chief Planning and Design Officer of the Roboboros Corporation confirmed that all Oddland residents have had a cerebral control unit activated inside their brains as of Monday morning.

These control units allow the Roboboros Corp. to designate activities for residents to perform “without requiring conscious thought” throughout the day. Most residents have been tasked with manual labor in the Death Mines, harvesting harder and harder to obtain precious metals and minerals so that the Roboboros Corporation may continue ever onward and upward.

“The Roboboros Corporation has done great things for Oddland,” Mr. Mann said while staring directly at the sun without sunglasses or other protective eyewear, “and now Oddland will do great things for Roboboros…” Mr. Mann continued repeating this same phrase over and over again for at least another fifteen minutes while staring directly at the sun, refusing to address any questions from the crowd.

Faced with no choice or free will of any kind now, most Oddlanders have unwillingly turned to the dangerous and tough life of mining. Waking up at 4:00am and getting down into the mine by 5:00am, the miners face accidental collapse, small particulate inhalation, and unregulated use of explosives as part of their daily lives now. Some members of the public claim a deactivation process is possible, however the…

SEE CONTROL, PG. 52

TECHNOLOGY

Organic-made Plastic to Become Profitable Within 10 Years

By: Janet Wu

THE SCIENCE FACTORY - For years the dream of an all-natural, organically derived plastic compound has been considered the “holy grail” by packaging engineers and scientists. A plastic that is toxic to the environment, takes over a thousand years to biodegrade, and easily breaks down into micro-plastics that pollute the waterways and food systems of every living thing in existence that is created naturally instead of being factory-made would be considered the greatest invention ever created by man.

“We’re about five, maybe ten years away from natural plastics, or ‘Natch Plast’ becoming a reality,” says Dr. Reynolds, the sexy and mysterious lead scientist at The Science Factory. Although Dr. Reynolds could not reveal the methods used for this new Natch Plast, he did confirm that it has been created using animal hosts, and those hosts bio-replicate the plastic on a regular basis without human intervention.

“Right now it’s not profitable, we spent millions developing this over the past few years. But thanks to economies of scale and total apathy for both animal life and ecological preservation by the general public, in a few years this will be cheaper to produce than conventional plastic,” Dr. Reynolds said as one of the buttons of his labcoat accidentally popped open, revealing parts of his upper chest that looked as though they had been sculpted out of marble by God himself.

My eyes struggled not to look down at his bare skin as he continued, “Just think of all the plastic that we can get into the ocean if we create fish that naturally create plastic skin every three days. In just a few years time, the entirety of the seas will be completely toxic,” Dr. Reynolds said to me as his hand reached out towards my face, my lips quivering, my body ready for…

SEE SKIN, PG. 108

COMMUNITY

Waste Removal Contractor Elections Begin Tomorrow

By: Margaret Applehill

GREATER ODDLAND AREA - Another four years have passed, and so it must be that we the people of Oddland choose another waste removal contractor to keep our streets clean. The elections will happen in the usual manner; citizens are to gather at Fredericks Park at first light with a sacrificial item that has been washed in salt water and air-dried in moonlight. Each potential waste contractor will have one compactor truck parked in the staging area, and each citizen is to toss in their sacrificial item into the contractor’s truck of their choice, at which point the item will be destroyed.

If this is your first time voting for a waste removal contractor either because you have moved to Oddland within the past four years or because you have been lying to avoid voting but have now been caught, you must sacrifice your first-born child to the compactor truck of your choice. Don’t worry, the workers don’t actually activate the hydraulics to engage the compactor. Well, sometimes they do. Make sure your vote is meaningful.

Waste removal remains a lucrative business in Oddland, not only because it is one of the few business models that has seen year-over-year growth over the past twenty years, but also because of the unparalleled access to garbage and improperly disposed-of sensitive documents that unsuspecting residents throw out with little to no obfuscation. Banking records, credit card statements, unfunny birthday cards, live kittens, all regularly discarded items that the workers at the waste removal contractor will have access to.

Voting lines are expected to be long, so do try to arrive early if possible. A food truck festival will also be held at the park during the voting period, so be ready for $9 lukewarm tacos and nowhere to sit when you finally…

SEE CHOMP, PG. 226

Used Tupperware Donation Drive a Massive Success

By: Ralph Duty

ODDLAND PUBLIC LIBRARY AND NOSE REMOVAL SITE - A spokes-scout from Girl Scout Troop 52-345X has confirmed that the troop was able to collect over 350 pounds of used Tupperware during the donation drive they hosted at the Oddland Public Library and Nose Removal Site over the weekend. The troop needed 215 pounds of used Tupperware to break the national record, which has now been completely shattered, very much unlike the stained and slightly warped but still structurally sound pieces of plastic food containers they collected.

X’anry Giiim of the troop was extremely excited about the donation drive’s success. “I’m extremely excited about the donation drive’s success,” said X’anry. The troop made headlines last year during the infamous “Reign of a Thousand Terrors” mishap from the petting zoo event they hosted. With the success of the used Tupperware event, Troop 52-345X looks to put the past, and the corpses, behind them. “The bodies are buried, let’s leave them in the dirt where they belong,” X’anry said.

Troop 52-345X has had their share of ups and downs over the past few months. Troop membership hit an all-time low after the Reigh of a Thousand Terrors, but quickly bounced back when all troop meetings began to offer free pizza and beer to prospective members. Now with the success of this latest donation drive, membership applications are pouring in, literally pouring in liquid form through means unknown to…

SEE COLLECTION, PG. 291

This issue of The Weirdy Wordy has been brought to you by the silence of walking down streets of your town when it’s really late at night and you wonder if your life has any meaning at all, and then you see a small child stuck inside a gutter and you know, you just know, he is going to drown.

Contact The Weirdy Wordy Staff at: janitor@weirdywordy.com