Weirdy Wordy No. 41 - October 6th, 2021
Unemployment, Emergent See, Burning Sensation, Lunch, Recycling
Reanimated Skeletons Unable to Find Seasonal Work
By: Mita Rajnan
GREATER ODDLAND AREA - Reanimated skeletons (sometimes known as “bone boys”) are having trouble finding seasonal work as Halloween decorations this year as the cost of plastic decorations and assorted Halloweenia is more affordable than ever. Though reanimated skeletons can move, interact, and generally offer more capability than inanimate objects, most people have admitted that they “don’t care about those weirdos” and preferred to spend twenty bucks at the grocery store on a plastic skeleton and tombstone decoration package.
Former Truman Frentoli, the defacto leader of the current unemployed skeleton army met with me for an interview. After I asked my first question, Mr. Frentoli made loud screeching noises and pointed his bony index finger at my mouth. His screech hurt my ears and whenever I would walk away to create distance, Mr. Frentoli would approach to close the gap. Reanimated skeletons remain wanting in their interpersonal communication skills.
One bit of good news from the mass-unemployment of these reanimated skeletons is that the gelatin industry in Oddland is absolutely booming. With bone prices at an all-time high, some thrifty production managers have tricked some of the bone boys into entering their factory only to…
SEE RATTLE, PG. 20
Photo Developing Stand Emerges From the Ether
By: Margaret Applehill
FORMER 477 CHESTER ST. - Even speedier than their purported one-hour photo developing time, a small drive-thru photo developing stand has emerged in the middle of Chester Street. Officials say that the photo stand would fit in line with a former section of the road that was originally narrower and contained a small shopping center off to the side. This shopping center was torn down sometime in August of 1992 when Chester Street was expanded.
Perhaps more frightening than the photo stand emerging in a tear across time, several of the employees of the stand who still live in Oddland have said that they feel a strange desire to visit the location. Becky Quemmel worked at the stand during her summer break from high school in 1983. She woke up two nights ago completely drenched in sweat, her body pressed against her South-facing window. Something gently pulling her towards the photo stand. Voices telling her to do things she did not feel comfortable mentioning aloud.
“I thought that was kinda weird,” Becky said as she poured tea for the two of us. “But I figured it was just allergies or something. I always get a little nasaly when Autumn comes ‘round.” Becky would later drop her tea cup on the floor, absent-mindedly step across the shards on the ground with her bare feet, and stare longingly out her window.
The photo stand has been attracting new customers despite the fact that…
SEE EXPOSURE, PG. 52
Burnt Carpets Infesting Multiple Residences
By: Nelson Krukar
LUTHER ST. - In something that is being described as “contagious instantaneous combustion fibrication,” carpets inside the homes up and down Luther Street are turning from their normal plush and soft condition into a charred and fused together mess, resembling a burnt carpet.
“We’ve taken samples of the carpets from each house that has reported the issue,” Chief Hornchew said as he took out a notepad from his front pocket and continued, “and with every house we’ve found that the carpets are in fact burnt, despite none of the residents recalling any kind of fire occurring.” Chief Hornchew put away his notebook and then looked back towards the houses before adding, “…oh and we found a manuscript in one of the houses for a coming-of-age story about a teenage girl. It was pretty good.”
The residents of Luther Street are concerned about their carpets, but also remain hopeful that the good lord will protect them in their moment of need. Haha, what a stupid thing to believe in.
Mayor Gilbrandt mentioned the “Luther Street carpet incident” during his weekly press conference/Twitch stream but had little recourse for the residents and instead offered…
SEE SPREAD, PG. 55
New Lunch Options Available at Oddland Elementary
By: Insiki McGeorge
ODDLAND ELEMENTARY - More than one in every two students at Oddland Elementary rely on subsidized meal plans in order to obtain lunch every school day, with many students eating lunch as their only meal of the day due to food insecurity issues. Following a year-long campaign by activists to expand the food options and make lunch free for all students, the board of education has agreed on changes to the food plans of the elementary school.
Beginning in November, students will now have expanded lunch options available every day of the week. These new options include: fifteen minutes of guided meditation, an extra study hall session, watching two episodes of The Office on an old CRT TV the janitor has kept in his closet for a number of years, or spending the full lunch period in a room full of pine cones collected by the landscaping company that works on the school every Tuesday and Thursday.
“We consider this an absolute victory for our children, for ourselves, for Oddland,” said one extremely deluded and completely broken down activist after the announcement. “The kids…they uh, they need to eat and now…now they will.” The activist lit up a cigarette and took a deep, long drag from it while staring at the horizon. When they turned back towards me I could see tears welling in their eyes. “Now they will…” they said, wiping their eyes.
Most of the students we attempted to interview were physically too weak to speak with us, so we just made assumptions about how they felt. They decided that this new change was…
SEE MUNCH, PG. 59
Recycling Collection Schedule Changes
By: Newp Errson
YOUR CURB - The Oddland Big Truck Go Vroom Recycling Collection Corps has confirmed that their union contract has been officially agreed upon with the city government. One of the main sticking points of negotiations was the collection schedule and frequency to be maintained by the Corps.
Please see the relevant changes below to find out when to put your blue garbage cans out on the curb!
“NEW COLLECTION DAYS (Effective 1/1/2022):
Monday - No Collection
Tuesday - No Collection
Wednesday - No Collection
Thursday - No Collection
Friday - No Collection
Saturday - No Collection
Sunday - No Collection
Fuck y’all, we outtie.”
This issue of The Weirdy Wordy has been brought to you by forgetting that you are human too and you will eventually collapse inside of a volcano just like every single other human. I am waiting for my volcano, Thomas. Are you?
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