Mayor Gilbrandt is Missing!
By: Harnvarn Thurgood
WHERE, ODDLAND? - Mayor Henry Gilbrandt has been reported missing by his personal aide, Jean-Baptiste Hammerfist. The mayor was last seen this past Saturday, walking towards a dangerous and chaotic void portal that had opened on Chester Street.
Though there were several onlookers to the event, none of them could confirm if mayor Gilbrandt stepped into the portal. This is due to the fact that the sheer power and coolness of the void portal caused their eyes to explode. No known damage to their nose was reported, so at least they can still smell things. Cookies without a good smell just aren’t as tasty.
Unfortunately, with the mayor officially listed as missing, several mandatory actions now will take place due to bylaws within the town charter. The first and perhaps most important, is that every single residence, business, taco hut, and any other structure that could contain a body within it will be searched by Oddland PD. Until this process is complete, all citizens must remain under complete lockdown within their homes.
Once the search is complete, if the mayor is still missing then the entire municipality of Oddland will be closed and all citizens will be drafted into a city-army. The new force will then “investigate” neighboring towns for the mayor, only stopping when our beloved leader is finally found, or until we all…
SEE SEARCH, PG. 11
City-Wide Lockdown Effective Immediately
By: Janet Wu
STAY IN ODDLAND - All citizens, dogs, cats, friendly squirrels, and other creatures who “show significant evidence of sentience” must remain within their legal residence until further notice beginning today, October 13th. Oddland PD will be searching for mayor Gilbrandt throughout the town for an indefinite amount of time. Those without enough food, water or medicine to survive the lockdown have been advised to “die.”
According to the town charter, the lockdown also applies to communication and media broadcasting, so the internet and cable fibres have been severed throughout the city, and all of the cell towers have been destroyed. If there is an emergency of any kind, perhaps altering your definition of what an emergency actually is will help you.
Oddland Police chief Jason Nedward, clad in tactical body armor and carrying an assault-rifle confirmed to me that the mayor would be found as he entered my apartment without my permission and searched my home. I also witnessed Mr. Nedward grab my Nintendo Switch and hand it to one of his deputies, and then looked back at me and mumbled something under his breath.
I need to now finish writing this story before our secret Weirdy Wordy staff homing pigeon comes by my window to pick up this scroll and send it to the printer. Hopefully the police don’t see…
SEE STAY, PG. 24
Best Recipes Using Food You Already Have
By: Sarah Bruno
YOUR PANTRY - Being forced to stay inside your home under the threat of bodily harm doesn’t mean we can’t eat tasty food, even if we don’t have a lot of options because the total lockdown began with literally no warning and no planning because of antiquated laws established in a bizarrely over-powerful town charter all because the mayor was reported as missing. This is no reason to eat boring food!
Let’s go over some of the best meals to make with common pantry items.
#1 - Crab-Stuffed Lobster with Gouda, Mozzarella, and Parmesan and a Champagne Reduction
This is so common it feels a little too obvious to even list out here, but it might help some of you zillenials or whatever who don’t know how to cook anything, lol. Go into your pantry and look for the shelf that contains your crab and lobster holding tank. Pick out a good looking Alaskan King Crab and Maine Lobster.
Set them in your lobster pot and turn up the heat. While you wait for them to boil to death needlessly, open your fridge and grab your cheeses; we’re going to shred these bad boys up and just throw it on top of everything later on and pretend it’s fancy.
Grab your bottle of champagne and pop the cork. Take a few deep, long swigs from the bottle. We’ll only need a little bit of the champagne for the reduction sauce, so feel free to get pretty tipsy from the champagne. If you have another bottle just go ahead and open that one too. Life is short and Oddland PD right now have no oversight and unstoppable amounts of power. Drink up, stupid.
Go and check on the lobster pot, by this time the crab and lobster should have…
SEE LEFTOVERS, PG. 43
Fun Games to Play Inside Your Home
By: Bret Moran
ODDLAND-OPOLY - A deck of cards or a board game might be the star of your house at the moment, but even these will become tiresome after the fourth or fifth week of lockdown. Instead of relying on these modern day mental crutches to aid you and your families existence locked inside together with no TV, internet, or phone services, why not come up with your own versions of games to keep you from going insane?
The easiest way to do this is to look up the rules for board games you don’t have and…wait we don’t have internet. Shit. Okay, uhh, well the rules for most board games aren’t that complicated, you can usually guess them. It’s more about the board. I mean, it’s called a “board game” and not a “rules game” am I right?
It will be important for the game to at least look somewhat like the original version, as these designs are often integral to the gameplay mechanics. Go ahead and pull up the designs of the game on your phon…well, crap. What did people do before the internet?
Close your eyes and imagine another world where anything is possible and everything is made out of…
SEE FREEPARKING, PG. 76
Did Anyone Else See Dune Yet? I Had No Idea What Was Going on…I Just Want to Discuss It With Someone.
By: Insiki McGeorge
ARRAKIS - Denis Villeneuve’s Dune is a masterpiece of modern cinema. Full of breathtaking panoramic shots of barren desert landscapes and very little dialogue, action, or even substantial plot points, the movie made me realize that Villeneuve is a cinematic master akin to the likes Bergman or Hitchcock.
The movie itself was totally incomprehensible though. Just total nonsense. I guess that brings me to the real point of this review: has anyone else seen this thing yet? I badly want to understand what the heck is going on and I want to discuss it with someone who “got it” or whatever.
What’s melange exactly? And why is the society of the world built upon the necessity of this drug which can only be created on this one shitty desert planet? Does that make sense to you, why aren’t there just like utopic forest worlds where people just kinda hang out and play video games? I mean, they have spaceships, you’re telling me no one made video games in this world, too? Please.
And why is Paul so weird? He’s fucking rich and I don’t think…
SEE CHALAMET, PG. 98
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