Weirdy Wordy No. 43 - October 20th, 2021

Do You Have The Time?, Mayor Located, Doggos, In The Family, Getting Used To It

NEWS

Entire Town of Oddland Absorbed by Time Vortex and Sent to Undetermined Future Time

By: Harnvarn Thurgood

ODDLAND, TOWN OF - As the town quickly fell into martial law under the rule of the police department in the absence of mayor Gilbrandt, a resistance formed and began fighting back. Rogue members of this resistance, considered to either be complete lunatics or valiant heroes, infiltrated the Roboboros Corporation. Searching desperately for something to fight back against the police, they came across horrors and marvels of technology that Roboboros has kept hidden to the public for years.

They also found a device capable of temporal bending; that is to say, capable of changing time to move around the device itself. According to someone who was present, the group took a few moments to analyze how to use the device precisely, adjusted the settings, and then had an encounter with sheriff Jason Nedward as he tried to stop them. The sheriff fired two shots, the first bullet missed its target, the second paused in mid-air inches from the chest of the would-be victim.

The device was active.

No one is entirely sure what happened next. Everyone experienced it slightly differently. Personally, I was looking over some notes I had taken from the original election of mayor Gilbrandt that I had written when I was a beat reporter. The notebook in my hand slowly began to feel heavier than it should, the light around me started to flash and move rapidly. I looked down and the notebook turned into a pizza with a face inside of it.

I looked back up, and I was in Oddland from another time. And now that I’m here, I must say that…

SEE MOVING, PG. 11

Mayor Gilbrandt Has Been Found

By: Lisa Bruno-Schlommer

ODDLAND VIRTUAL REMEMBRANCE SITE - Someone said you guys were looking for mayor Gilbrandt? Well he’s where he’s always been: inside his coffin.

Okay, okay. That was my lame attempt at a joke. But seriously, he’s inside his coffin. The coffin itself, like the physical coffin, is out in one of the Void Realms, taking up physical space in a place that has no physical bounds. Duh. But you can go to the VRS and dial-up his name and info and all that and see his little memorial video and stuff. I had to watch it once for school, it was kinda interesting.

No, but I get it. I get it. You guys used to have all these weird ancient laws and stuff and you had to live your life based on what a bunch of old white dudes had written down in between being drunk and playing handsy with one another. Weird stuff. We have weekly voting protocols intergrated into our Holo-UI and the entire population votes on these new protocols within a fifteen minute time period.

It sounds annoying, but you get used to it a few months after you turn 16 and get included in all the votes. It allows us to quickly and effectively change laws that don’t serve the people, which is pretty cool. It also means we don’t have elected officials anymore; we don’t need them. Anyone can submit a new protocol into THE ALGORITHM and if it receives enough conscious thought-power from ambient brain computation, then it enters the general protocol vote.

I submitted an inside joke between some of my friends once and now all our milk comes in these really long tubes which seemed annoying at first but then we realized that…

SEE WELCOME!, PG. 24

COMMUNITY

Dogs Are Way Cooler Now

By: Fiona Warnt

ODDLAND K9 - It’s been a few days since all of us were shifted into a new time within the physical location of Oddland, and the one thing I’ve noticed is that dogs are…interesting.

I was a bit shocked the first time that one came up to me and started speaking. I was even more surprised that he had a British accent. But he was asking if I was okay, and he snuggled right up to me and laid in my lap. He told me his name was Rupert. I said I was Emma. I don’t know why I said that, I just…I always wanted to be named Emma.

Rupert took me to a nearby cafe and he started trying to explain things to me. He told me about how dogs were now host vessels for the aged; when the body of a person fails, their brain is “digitally compressed” and then uploaded into an “organic consciousness strand” which is then surgically inserted into the brain of a young puppy. After a few weeks, the human consciousness takes over the brain itself, and the person is now a dog-human hybrid of sorts.

It’s a win-win; old people get to live for another 15-20 years, and dogs can now talk. I started to ask Rupert more questions about the future as I blew gently on my Coffeino Cube, trying to cool it down. He put his paw on my knee and grinned at me. I chuckled nervously and said I needed to use the bathroom. I slipped out the back door of the cafe.

Men are dogs, we all know that. But now some of them are actually dogs, which is ironic because my ex-boyfriend always said he would…

SEE WOOF, PG. 83

You Probably Shouldn’t Have Sex With or Kill Your Descendants

By: Margaret Applehill

GREATER ODDLAND AREA - An alarming number of “Old Oddland Residents” have started to look up their descendants via the Towering Tree and Yellowpages Network in order to have sex with them and/or murder them. The EveryWhair has reported that crimes and sex fitting this criteria have been reported over 200 times since our arrival into this version of Oddland.

While neither of these actions will cause a time paradox, we still shouldn’t do it. It makes us look really bad. We’re a bunch of 21st century meat-hunks claiming we’re Oddlanders and we start killing and fucking the current residents we’re related to, I mean really? Come on guys.

Also, and I don’t know if you know this or not, but people in this time don’t really…exist…the way we do? They’ve got this odd sort of glow and shimmer to them because they are these digital-organic representations of the real version of themselves which is stored somewhere else. I’m not really sure how it all works, but from talking to someone in my Branch, I’ve learned that they aren’t corporeal all the time, but can seemingly control their physical existence at will.

This in itself is fascinating and deserves further study and understanding. The person from my branch tells me that they don’t know if my current…

SEE MANIFEST, PG. 135

OPINION

The Future Is Strange

By: Brian Sivad

Maybe it’s just me, and honestly I don’t want to seem unappreciative of anything considering I’m alive and (relatively) healthy…but I don’t know man, this place creeps me out. Everyone has these dead eyes that don’t actually look at anything, they just sit on their faces staring blankly forward. I understand that they don’t need to actually look at anything any longer; all these different AI interfaces and tracking systems instantly report the spatial surroundings of everyone, everywhere, everything. I get it.

It’s just weird. They don’t have normal bodies either, and they don’t walk anywhere. They just kinda float a few inches off the ground, silently gliding from place to place, never moving or adjusting abruptly, not moving at all except towards their ultimate destination. If you accidentally bump into one of them, or just stop them to ask something, they seem perfectly nice. Their body sort of sparkles a bit as they get more fleshy, and they look at you and speak.

But they don’t have mouths, either. It’s just a blank circle on their face. An approximation. Their voice comes out but it comes from elsewhere. From one of the Voids, I’m told. All of this so matter-of-fact, so plain. It feels ominous watching them all float around in perfect unison. Like they are going to all stop and come towards me at once.

I remind myself that I’m the outsider here, not them. They probably think that someone walking around on physical legs is extremely strange, let alone all the bodily functions that happen on daily basis. The first time I asked someone where I could go to use…

SEE NEW, PG. 233

This issue of The Weirdy Wordy has been brought to you by checking your phone and seeing that you have a text message, but then you put your phone down because your brain took like two seconds to long to register what you had just seen, so then you pick your phone back up but the text message is no longer there for some reason. What happened to it?

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