NEWS
Endlessly Wailing Emergency Klaxons Cannot Be Turned Off
By: Fiona Warnt
WHAT, HUH? I CAN’T HEAR YOU - The emergency klaxons that have been blaring their sirens non-stop since Monday morning cannot be turned off by anyone other than the mayor according to the Oddland Police Department.
Mayor Henry Gilbrandt officially stepped down from his mayoral duties last week and has not been seen or heard from since his last press conference/Twitch stream. Mr. Gilbrandt did not relinquish his status as mayor; he simply decided to shirk his responsibilities as mayor for an indefinite amount of time. Oddland is not without a mayor, but our mayor is without a city.
“Yeah so, Hank has this key,” began Sheriff Jason Nedward during a press conference Tuesday afternoon. “It’s sewn into his chest…surgically implanted…that key is the only thing that can turn off the emergency sirens.” The Sheriff refused to elaborate further on the key that the mayor allegedly has sewn into his chest, but did spend over fifteen minutes discussing his opinion about critical race theory.
No one is certain why exactly the emergency alarms have been triggered. The current crisis alert system covers over 500 possible scenarios that could cause the alarms to…
SEE AAAAAA, PG. 04
Community Gardens Construction Put On Hold
By: Harnvarn Thurgood
GARD’LAND CONSTRUCTION SITE - The Community Gardens Project, also known as the Gard’land Majestic Beautyscape has been delayed indefinitely. The Builders Group, the contracting corporation in charge of the project overall has sighted lack of foresight and expertise as the cause of the delay.
According to emerging details, after the initial groundbreaking ceremony the project coordinator realized that no one actually planned or designed the community garden in any way and the construction crew did not have any process to follow. The crew reportedly started digging holes in random locations and laughed at how much work they had to do and how busy they were before giving up and leaving for happy hour.
Dave Ribben, the project coordinator hired by the city, has reportedly “not been given any blueprints or plans of any kind from any architectural firms, nor any brief of design of any kind from any authority.” Mr. Ribben says he has been unsuccessful with obtaining any information from management with the city or within The Builders Group.
“It’s just like a minor tweak here and there,” said Ruben-Lewis Tulipeta, the overseeing director at The Builders Group. “I don’t see what the big deal is, all he has to do is do what he has to do.” Mr. Tulipeta then ignored all of our calls for over thirty six hours and then responded…
SEE PROCESS, PG. 15
Teenagers Are Running for Multiple Days Straight to Get High
By: Bret Moran
ODDLAND HIGH TRACK & FIELD - Always looking for a new way to get high, teenagers have resorted to running for multiple consecutive days, fighting off sleep and their aching bodies until they begin to have strong hallucinations from the sleep deprivation and overexertion.
“It’s really cool, actually. It’s like, a natural high,” said Ryan Jiff, a senior at Oddland High. “Last week I ran for 90 straight hours, I started to see snakes all over the ground. They formed into a giant tidal wave and it crested over me and submerged me. I woke up two days later in the hospital. It was awesome.”
Many concerned parents have suggested a wide range of useless ways to solve the problem of their children running until they get high; closing the high school track, banning running shoes, setting a curfew in town, murdering all the stray dogs in town (unrelated, but needed.)
One must wonder if there really is a problem here at all, or if these pesky teens have figured out a legal and healthy way to trip balls and at the same time get a great workout and much-needed outdoor time with their…
SEE VERTICAL, PG. 32
COMMUNITY
Man Spends Life’s Fortune on Artisan Coffee Brewing Device
By: Janet Wu
GREATER ODDLAND AREA - A local man who asked to remain anonymous has confirmed that he spent the entirety of his life’s savings on a small, rare coffee brewing device that was hand-crafted by famed barista Akia Morishita. The man did not reveal the cost of the device, however he did mention that he had to refinance his home and has sold all of his other worldly possessions.
“I’m something of a worshipper of the black bean,” said the man in what was probably the most agitating statement I’ve ever heard aloud. “This brewer, it’s not just something to make coffee with…it’s a sacred artifact.” The man looked out his window for several moments before continuing, “every cup of coffee I brew with this is a religious ceremony.”
The brewing device in question is just a pour over pot with a few extra holes instead of one central drip spot. That’s it. Instead of one hole there’s like, five. That’s the only real difference. Some Japanese guy made like fifty of them and then he had a heart attack, so now it’s worth a bunch of money.
The man said that he will have to vacate his home soon, but plans to spend his time focusing on his personal brand via social media that posts Male Sigma Grindset memes and long rants about how foreigners are ruining this once great…
SEE CUP, PG. 56
Book About “Really Good Sunset” Fails to Sell Any Copies
By: Mita Rajnan
ODDLAND, CITY OF - Wyn Doweman, author of the book The Sunset on April 22nd, 2011 Changed My Life is not upset that despite being released a month ago, his book has no sold any copies.
“Hey, it was a great sunset, you can’t really be mad about it. Orange, red, a little blue and purple, it was so beautiful. The book really captures that, but not everyone is into watching sunsets.” Mr. Doweman looked over the horizon, and then looked up towards the sun. “About six hours ‘til sunset, can’t wait.”
The Sunset on April 22nd, 2011 Changed My Life is a 350-page book detailing the sunset as seen from Fredericks Park in Oddland by Mr. Doweman. The entire book is one chapter, written in excruciatingly precise detail about every aspect of the sunset that Mr. Doweman witnessed. The entire book just describes the sunset, that’s it. There is literally no appeal to reading the book whatsoever; it doesn’t even have a photograph of the eponymous sunset!
But perhaps one man’s story of a sunset is worth being told, if only for the fact that…
SEE DOWN, PG. 74
This issue of The Weirdy Wordy has been brought to you by this endless deluge of material possessions, an ocean of life-changing garbage that meant so much to you at one point and now just a few years later means absolutely nothing, less than nothing, like it’s a millstone tied to your neck dragging you down deeper and deeper until you’re drowning in plastic.
Contact The Weirdy Wordy Staff at: janitor@weirdywordy.com
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