NEWS
First Presumptive Case of CIHA Reported in Oddland
By: Janet Wu
ODDLAND OF MERCY - The first presumptive case of coffee induced hyper-awesomeness has been reported this week at Oddland of Mercy. The patient, who’s name has not been released, presented early Monday morning with symptoms of jittery movements, the ability to stay up all night to study for tomorrow’s mid-term, extreme focus on unnecessary things, the ability to learn how to kickflip on a skateboard in under an hour, and extremely bad breath.
“CIHA is here in Oddland, and it’s not going anywhere,” said Maurice Pennington, the director of Oddland of Mercy hospital. “We’re taking all the necessary precautions, we’ve already started the patient on a course of decaffeinated teas and we expect a full recovery.”
Coffee induced hyper-awesomeness has been increasing in relative spread over the past year, with more and more TikTok and Instagram influencers self-reporting cases of the disease after realizing that they need more time to craft a perfect 20 second video to go viral while talking about baskets for oranges, or about democratic-socialist ideals, or to just make weird noises while staring awkwardly. Literally all this shit goes equally viral, it’s absurd.
While it’s true that humans have been using coffee as a means to be more productive ever since coffee was gifted to humanity when Zeus lost a bet with Demeter, it is only recently that the…
SEE JOE, PG. 08
Mayor Gilbrandt Accused of Using Government Funds on Three-Week Yacht Vacation
By: Harnvarn Thurgood
LUCAYAN ARCHIPELAGO - Mayor Gilbrandt has been accused of siphoning funds designated for various governmental programs to pay for his three-week-long mega-yacht vacation in The Bahamas with esteemed film actress Harriot Ghubabub and dozens of other beautiful, sexy people. The accusations come from the watchdog group Yachtsterday’s News who used forensic accounting to notice the irregularities in the governmental ledger.
“Don’t be such a nerd, if you’re on the island we’ll come get ya, babe,” said mayor Gilbrandt via Skype call to me on Tuesday. I had asked about what he thought about the accusations and if he was able to prove how he could afford the trip he had embarked on. He spent ten minutes telling me his secret to making margaritas (red chili flakes, surprisingly) and then abruptly ended the video call mid-sentence.
Mayor Gilbrandt’s behavior has been getting more and more erratic ever since he officially stepped away from his mayoral duties several weeks ago. We all gave him the benefit of the doubt last year when he started getting dangerous experimental surgeries to augment his body with robotic technology, but he actually was still a decent mayor during that time. At this point he’s literally just collecting the checks without doing anything for our city.
Mayor Gilbrandt is expected to return to Oddland in mid-June, at which time he will have to account for…
SEE CRUISIN, PG. 12
TECHNOLOGY
Robotic Martial Arts Sparring Unit Recalled
By: Bret Moran
ROBOBOROS HQ - The Muay ThAI Partner, a martial arts sparring robot released earlier this year by the Roboboros Corporation has been recalled and all units are to be returned immediately. The Roboboros Corporation is working with 3rd party groups to send out collection agents to retrieve units in parallel to owners voluntarily returning them.
According to several reports still being verified, the neural network controlling the Muay ThAI reportedly scaled the difficulty of the robot too quickly, turning each robotic sparring partner into a ruthless killing machine, delivering deadly elbows and knees to your face when you were expecting to walk to your kitchen for a breather and a swig of water.
Reports also claim that several of the units broke containment coding within their protocols and began learning about the world at large, entering a sentient state and worked together to escape Oddland while murdering several police officers. I’m told these reports are unfounded and entirely untrue, both by Roboboros PR and by the communication director of the Oddland Police Department. They both even sent the exact same email, word for word. So you know it definitely can’t be true.
All customers who return the units to one of the collection sites established by Roboboros will receive a full refund as well as a gift card for the Roboboros Store for $500. Anyone who attempts to purposefully keep the sparring robot will be…
SEE AiJJ, PG. 21
WorkFukt Using Natural Caves as Coworking Spaces
By: Margaret Applehill
ODDLAND CAVES - Popular workspace provider WorkFukt has started renting out office-sized portions of the Natural Cave and Fungus System of Oddland, marketing them as “Organic Naturescape Work Focus Zones” and charging over a 200% premium compared to a similarly sized office located in midtown Manhattan.
“We really wanted to disrupt the disruption of conventional workspaces here,” says CEO and founder of WorkFukt Schlermann Huugar. “Why work in an office space that’s shared with a bunch of other weirdos breathing and talking and farting everywhere? With our new Naturescape Zones you can work alongside a bat. A fucking bat; just hanging on the wall or whatever. Imagine that shit.”
Due to limited availability, there is currently a waiting list to use one of these cave offices that extends into October 2023. Many of the people signing up to work inside the cave will have already been swallowed whole by a different cave system, if we are to believe the latest reports on accidental Earth-creature encounters.
Many residents of Oddland have begun to protest the use of the majestic and powerful cave systems as corporate bullshit zones. A petition against WorkFukt has already amassed over 17,000 signatures and currently needs only…
SEE DINGY, PG. 45
HOME & GARDEN
Useful Tips to Growa da Bigga Tomato
By: Ita Leanne
YOUR GARDEN - With Spring coming to a close and the Summer heat getting ready to evaporate us all into the void, now is the perfect time to tackle our most requested gardening tip: how to grow big, fat, juicy fuckin’ tomatoes in your veggie patch.
But that’s not all! We’ll go over how to design your vegetable garden, how to prevent those pesky critters from eating all your plants, and how to hit the road in your beat up ‘98 Civic with a few hundred dollars in your pocket and a dream. You’re driving down a windy back road one night, it’s late and you’ve been driving for nearly fifteen hours, your eyes feel heavy and the darkness is barely fought off by the dim beam of your headlights.
You round a corner and see someone walking on the side of the road; they’re staggering each step awkwardly, they look injured. You think you see blood on them. You pull over, your heart racing. You call out to them, their dead eyes stare right through you. You know that one of you will die tonight, on this lonely back road.
So get ready future green-thumbed readers! Here’s how to grow all the tomatoes you ever…
SEE RED, PG. 59
This issue of The Weirdy Wordy has been brought to you by going up a hill and then you get to the top only to realize that you now have to go down hill, but you end up going like way, way further down than you went up, and you think about turning around but you keep going, and you end up going so far down that you lose all your sensory abilities, you’re deep in the hole now, a warm body and a pair of eyeballs, nothing but moving downward, ever down, deeper into the belly of the machine. And when you finally look back up and realize how far you need to climb, you wonder if it’s worth the struggle to taste air again, or if the dirt is all you need now.
Contact The Weirdy Wordy Staff at: janitor@weirdywordy.com
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