Weirdy Wordy No. 75 - June 1st, 2022
Unknown, De-Hooded, New Size, Doggie, Before July
UFO Seen Over Oddland
By: Insiki McGeorge
ODDLAND SKIES - An unidentified flying object was seen over the skies of Oddland late Monday night, with dozens of separate reports coming in from citizens to the Oddland Police Department and to Oddland Special Services. All of the reports confirmed the same specific details of the object; it was triangular in shape and would fly down to near-ground-level frequently, colliding at high speeds with people and slicing clean through their necks, decapitating them.
UFO’s have been on a down-trend over the past 15-20 years, ever since The X-Files went off the air and in parallel to that, people realized that with the ubiquity of cell phone cameras there was no abundance of UFO videos, so everyone just kinda went “huh I guess that was all fake bullshit, just like my life.”
But now, something has arrived in our humble little metropolis. The UFO was in the sky, no one can refute that. Whomever or whatever controlled it viciously murdered several of our citizens, no one can refute that. The governmental black suits came in to vaporize the bodies and question witnesses, no one can refute that.
We are at the mercy of space-beings and our government is more concerned with covering up what happened than with protecting the people that…
SEE GREY, PG. 04
The Town’s Lucky Hoodie Has Been Stolen
By: Harnvarn Thurgood
WHERE IS IT? - Old Fuzzball, the town’s collective lucky hoodie that has been hanging fifteen feet above Gilbrandt Plaza for the past seven years is missing, feared stolen based on initial reports from The Caretakers of The Hood.
“We have activated the reserve force and sent in an emergency request to our federal government liaison board,” stated sheriff Jason Nedward Tuesday afternoon at an official press briefing. “All commissioned police officers are now working double-shifts and we will begin intimidating and becoming violent with minority citizens immediately. We will stop at nothing to figure out who has stolen our beloved lucky hoodie.”
Old Fuzzball was originally crafted by master hoodiesmith Ouizo Nopples. The hoodie was imbued with an aura of Added Luck upon creation, and quickly it proved its worth when Jakob Schlommer hit every green light from Roman Street down through Chester Street and made it to his SAT exam with two minutes to spare. The hoodie would change hands several times over the years and after The Blackout of 2014 the hoodie was classified as a sacred & mystical object of the city.
The sweatshirt was then hung above Gilbrandt Plaza in a tribute of honor; a crowd of over 40,000 people attended the ceremony. With the hoodie now being feared stolen or even…
SEE COMFY, PG. 13
Legal Brick Dimensions Changing
By: Sarah Bruno
GREATER ODDLAND AREA - With the city council officially on recess indefinitely, several pieces of legislature that were signed with “ticking time-bomb” clauses have now officially turned into law with no council vote to overturn the motion.
One of these time-bomb laws is that the legal dimensions of all bricks within the city will be changed; all bricks not within the new legal dimensions will need to be replaced with code-conforming brickwork. It is estimated that one in every three buildings within Oddland are made of brick and will need to be completely torn down and reconstructed.
“It’s absolutely crazy,” says Tim McDougall, a contractor of over 20 years. “What’s next, they’re gonna start telling us what hot dogs can be made of? This government overreach is insane.”
“I love it,” says Howard Funchess, owner and foreman of Funchess Iron and Brick House. “We already have orders in from half the city, we can’t even keep up with demand. People have started offering to pay double, even triple the cost per brick. My kids are gonna go to Harvard. Not because they’re smart or anything, I can just buy their admission now. Pretty sick.”
Experts estimate that the entire demolition and rebuilding of roughly a third of the town could take over…
SEE MEASURES, PG. 25
World-Record Frisbee Throw Foiled by Rogue Dog
By: Bret Moran
FREDERICKS PARK - Jennifer “The Hammer” Swenny lives in agony of what could have been. Last weekend she set out to Fredericks Park with officials from the IAODTC as well as two Guinness judges to attempt to break the record for throwing a frisbee the furthest distance.
After approximately an hour of warm up routines, which included a 20 minute silent meditation and a 22 minute viewing of the season 3 episode of The Office titled “The Convention,” Swenny was ready to start huckin’ discs and break some records. Her first throw was only shy of the record by a mere five feet. With the whole day ahead of her, things looked bright for this rising star of the frisbee world.
And then, it appeared. A brown dog, owner unknown. As Jennifer threw the next frisbee, the dog took off after it, running at full speed and keeping up with the disc in full stride. As the disc lowered towards the ground, the dog leapt into the air and caught the frisbee in its mouth, and then joyously ran back towards Swenny.
When the dog returned to Jennifer, she grabbed the frisbee but the dog refused to let go. The two fought tug-of-war for the disc until it shattered, with a piece of plastic flying through the air and hitting Ms. Swenny in the eye. She yelled out and started running wildly in a panic. She ran directly into a tree, the piece of plastic butting against the trunk, piercing through her skull into her brain.
Jennifer did not recover from the…
SEE ULTIMATE, PG. 31
June Is Here
By: Ian Pend
EARTH - I looked at the calendar and realized it had happened. May was on its last legs, June was around the corner. June, that month where I realize that I’m not as sexy as I thought I was and I’m not comfortable wearing shorts and a t-shirt out in public because my arms and thighs have all that extra flabby shit.
June, the month where the weather starts to get hotter, and I’m not sure what clothing to wear in any given day. “Sweat pants and a jacket? Sleeveless shirt and underwear?” I don’t know and neither do you, it’s June.
They say June comes every year at the same time, but what do scientists know? You can’t predict June, just like you can’t predict the weather, or staring contest victories, or lottery numbers, or your taxes. All I know is that my existence for the next 30 days will be Junified, and nothing I do in this world really means anything anymore.
But the US Open is this month, so that’s pretty cool I guess. Also there’s this funny day each year where…
SEE MONTH, PG. 59
This issue of The Weirdy Wordy has been brought to you by staring at this screen, getting upset or happy or excited or nervous or bored by the same pixels, just colored in differently, and you think “huh, so this is life?” and you think about what it was like for a human 5,000 years ago, just hanging out collecting berries and group-hunting animals and being super fit and toned and just vibin’ all day long.
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