Weirdy Wordy No. 76 - June 8th, 2022
Inspected, Phase Two, Greener, Dirt, Fishing
Inspection Crew Finds Major Faults Throughout City
By: Harnvarn Thurgood
GREATER ODDLAND AREA - Despite months of repairs and maintenance aimed to comply with local codes, a third-party inspection crew has noted no fewer than 85 major faults during their week-long inspection of Oddland which ended this past Sunday.
While some of the faults such as the crack in the foundation of the municipal building can be attributed to age and ultimately fixed with enough resourcing, other issues are harder to wrestle with. The crew made special note that roughly a dozen of the faults were considered “imminent, dangerous threats” and under normal circumstances would cause an immediate emergency response. The report has not been made public as of yet, but leaked information confirms that one such threat is the open spout in Fredericks Park that shoots nuclear exhaust directly towards the children’s playground from a distance of less than five feet.
The report has been delivered to the offices of the city council members, all of whom are on recess indefinitely. Failure to remediate the cited violations will result in a $14 fine each day, because rules of law and violations don’t really affect the people in charge of making said laws and the…
SEE WHOOPS, PG. 06
Roboboros Begins Construction to Expand Campus
By: Janet Wu
ROBOBOROS HQ - It was a banner day at the headquarters of The Roboboros Corporation, following a brief press conference by Glenn Mann, hundreds of Dig-Bot 7200 units began to dig in a ceremonial synchronized manner. Roars of applause from the crowd echoed throughout the sky as the Dig-Bots mindlessly continued their work, each moving thousands of pounds of Earth in just a few minutes.
“We’re excited to begin the next phase of our corporation’s brilliant work,” said Mr. Mann during the press conference in reference to the planned expansion. “With the land secured to ensure our expansion, we will be able to set our sights on the stars.” Mr. Mann would later confirm that the expansion project includes a full-scale rocket launching platform, with immediate plans for Roboboros to send semi-autonomous robots to Mars upon completion of the expansion.
Because Roboboros has the world’s most advanced neural network of robot/animal hybrids that are capable of uninterrupted execution of designed tasks, the campus expansion is already nearly 25% complete according to the little progress bar thing on the Roboboros website. This is right on track for completion by July 1st as per Glenn Mann’s statements during the press conference.
If the Roboboros corporation truly has the intention of sending a robotic crew to the fourth planet, what is stopping them from taking the…
SEE RUSTED, PG. 15
Spring Formal Theme Has Been Decided
By: Insiki McGeorge
GILBRANDT PLAZA - The votes have been tallied, the votes have been re-tallied, Matthew Broderick has come in to triple-check the votes and then took two of the vote slips and put them in the trashcan, and now we officially have a theme for the town-wide Spring Formal this year: The small actions, like composting all of your organic waste, that each and every one of us can do to be a little more environmentally friendly, brought to you by ExxonMobil™.
The theme, shortened here as “TSALCAOYOWTEAEOOUCDTBALMEFBTYBEM™” received over 44% of the total votes, beating out “Under the Sea” which had been the frontrunner leading up to the final day of voting. And while it’s true that several thousand of votes all came in on the final day of voting from a previously unaccounted for ballot box, the votes were all considered legal and no foul play is suspected.
“The votes were all submitted appropriately,” said Mitch Falsibsky, the head of the Oddland Formal Voting Committee. “Reports of an envelope of cash being found inside the ballot box remain largely unfounded and luckily, unverifiable either way.”
TSALCAOYOWTEAEOOUCDTBALMEFBTYBEM™ will focus on the small, everyday actions that each person can do to help with climate change. This includes composting, turning off the lights when you’re not in a room, turning off the faucet when you’re brushing your teeth, shitting on your bed and rolling around in it, quitting your job so you can join a roving group of marauders, splitting open the skull of an enemy from another tribe with a homemade maul you constructed, and eating slightly less meat with each meal.
The formal is scheduled for…
SEE PART, PG. 29
Hole-Digging Contest Ends in Tragedy
By: Bret Moran
DRY SPIT SCRUB LANDS - A joyous day of professional hole-digging turned tragic this past weekend, when professional digger Jeremy Jeremberger suffered a brain-displacement during his follow-through return stroke and accidentally thought he was a Frenchmen living in the year 1872. Mr. Jeremberger immediately climbed out of his hole and began saying “Une baguette, s’il vous plaît,” to several of the judges.
Mr. Jeremberger had been on world-record pace throughout the dig, but ultimately he ended up in 7th place (Dixon Reckombe was cited for using non-regulation equipment and placed 8th) after he went into his French spell. Pilson Burntonga, the winner of the event seemed disappointed.
“JJ was on a pace like we’ve never seen,” said Burntonga in the post-dig interview. “I don’t know what happened to him out there, I hope he’s alright. I technically won but it never feels good to win like this.” Mr. Burntonga was seen several moments later shooting champagne all over several scantily clad women and screaming “I’m the fucking best in the world, I’m going to live forever!”
Jeremberger was sent to Oddland of Mercy and CT scans did not show anything irregular, other than the fact that his brain had shifted into an unnatural angle, of course. He will remain under observation for several days, at which point it is likely that…
SEE DUG, PG. 58
Fishing is Kinda Boring
By: Hyppup Bortino
I walked over to my dad’s old secret spot. It’s not easy to get to; you have to hike through some nasty swampland and climb over a pair of boulders to then bushwhack about two miles out to this small little hidden pond. Takes about an hour to get to when you’re carrying all your gear with you. I only come out on special occassions.
Today was my five year sober badge, so I figured it was special enough. One day at a time and all that, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the day. I cast my reel and let my mind wander. It’s meditative, standing there in total focus of nothing. I try to scan the water for movement but my eyes aren’t what they used to be, so I’m content to just stand statue in the pond.
After what feels like just a few minutes, I click back into consciousness, my hands are covered in blood. I’m in some dodgy motel room sitting on one of the twin beds in the room. There’s a trail of blood leading to the bathroom, the light and fan both on inside. Bloody hand prints decorate the walls, the old tube TV is sideways on the floor, a re-run of COPS is playing on mute. My shirt is covered in blood, but I can’t find any cuts on my body.
I stand up and turn towards the bathroom. I already know whose body is laying there in a pool of blood, and I’m not sure that I can even…
SEE SNOOZE, PG. 67
This issue of The Weirdy Wordy has been brought to you by drilling a hole in your wall and you go to hang the thing up and then you realize why the saying “measure twice, cut once” is a thing even though you didn’t cut anything you like, you get it, ya know, it means like measure the thing twice so you don’t fuck up something that’s harder or more wasteful to fix later but whatever, I got spackle baby. I got spackle for days.
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