Weirdy Wordy No. 77 - June 15th, 2022

Walk the Plank, Moving the Season, Book Sale, Book Sail, Race Report

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Jun 15

NEWS

Oddland Boardwalk Officially Opens!

By: Harnvarn Thurgood

THE ODDLAND PLANKS - Originally scheduled to open for the Summer of ‘97, the Oddland boardwalk, unofficially known as The Oddland Planks has finally opened to the public! Although the only vendors on the boardwalk at the moment are a Playa Bowl and a nondescript coffee place, the tourism board has confirmed at least six more vendors to move onto the boardwalk over the coming months.

The Oddland boardwalk infamously was delayed when the arson-spree of 1996 spread throughout the city; the boardwalk was lit on fire at least a dozen separate times throughout the year. The termite infestation of 1999 further delayed the construction and required the entirety of the structure to be replaced. For the past ten years the blueprints were lost, so no one knew what to do about the boardwalk.

“It’s been a long road to get to this day, but we made it,” said Geraldo Maya, the project manager for the boardwalk. Mr. Maya was a 25 year old first-time manager of the project when it first broke ground. Now he is a withered husk of a human, 57 years old, he has kids that hate him already. He tried to move his reading chair to get better light in his den and he tweaked something in his back and can barely move now. His co-pay is over $100 and his insurance says he can’t get surgery.

The boardwalk is expected to increase tourism by approximately 1% over the next fifty five years, competing with the already installed and vastly more scenic Walking Boards of Oddland, which overlook the mountainous region to the north and have several high-end businesses located directly on the walking boards, including the…

SEE WOOD, PG. 04

Summer Solstice Being Rescheduled

We’re not sure how, but this device will be involved.

By: Margaret Applehill

ODDLAND, EARTH - Unhappy with the way the Solstice is going to land on the calendar this year, mad scientists and quack doctors at The Roboboros Corporation have decided to activate something they refer to only as The Engine which reportedly will move the Summer Solstice to a more desirable date. The current trajectory based on initial modeling suggests a new date of October 9th.

“We have zee engine, we press zee button und we tell Summer to come back another time,” said imaginary doctor Rudolph Ziegler, head of processing for The Engine. While it’s unclear how the Summer Solstice will be “moved,” the whackos and quackos at Roboboros sent out a press release with a 200+ page attached document showing the details of how the process will work.

I attempted to read the paper but most of the text is written in Mid-Science, a language that I studied briefly in high school as an elective, but not a language I’m fluent in. Many of the illustrations in the document show the Sun exploding after the engine activates, with a large frowning face next to it. The Roboboros team did not offer comment about these illustrations when asked.

With Spring now projected to stretch on another three and a half months, several people are concerned that the…

SEE MOVE, PG. 15

COMMUNITY

Friends of the Library Book Sale Begins This Weekend

By: Sarah Bruno

ODDLAND PUBLIC LIBRARY - The friends of the library used book sale and used bake sale will begin this weekend, with a special preview to Platinum Level Friends on Friday evening before opening fully to the public on Saturday.

The book sale is an annual event where the library sells all the donated books from the past year at extremely low prices. The used bake sale is new addition, where people are going to sell their half-eaten muffins and pies and such. Really gross. Who thought of this nonsense?

While everyone enjoys a good used book sale, it is not without problematic individuals. “Book scanners” are individuals who attend the book fair and use Bluetooth ISBN scanning devices connected to their mobile phones. They will methodically scan every single book that is being sold at the sale and an app on their phone will return the average price of a scanned book, letting these would-be capitalists decide to buy only high-margin books when they resell them.

Do these modern day shit pushers consider their own opportunity cost to stand around with their phone and scanning gun all day? Of course not. Do they think about how long it will take them to re-sell the books they buy from the book sale, and the space needed to house the books in limbo? No, why would they? These are hustlers, they’re grinders. They’re alpha sigma whatever idiots on Instagram. They saw a meme about have a side hustle, and they think they have one now.

Readers who want to purchase a discounted book to, ya know, actually sit and read the book are highly encouraged to fight and harass the book scanners during the event and even to…

SEE USED, PG. 32

Enemies of the Library Book Burning Begins Next Weekend

By: Ian Pend

ODDLAND PUBLIC LIBRARY - Following the used book sale this weekend, any books that do not sell will be collected and assembled into the sacrificial burn pile and set ablaze next weekend. The purge will be supervised by the Council of Elders, to ensure that the Knowledge God is adequately pleased with the sacrifice, lest we feel his wrath.

Many have asked why we burn books in the name of knowledge. These people are non-believers and were not taught the old ways. It is our duty to learn all we can, but when our reach exceeds our grasp we must show humility in ourselves. We burn the books because we know we will not read them. I don’t know how Danielle Steel writes so many tomes with the same plot, but I know I will never get around to reading them. Her books go on the pile, as do many others.

The fire will also be equipped to capture the heat as energy and will power the town electrical grid for several minutes, perhaps as many as twenty or twenty five if estimates are correct. While this is mostly just for show, it allows us to claim the Council of Elders as a 501(c)(3) and we don’t have to pay any taxes.

Do not worry when exactly the fire will start, you will see it over the horizon. You will smell the smoke in the air, and something deep inside you will activate, a primal reaction to pages tossed to the flame, and you will know exactly where and when the fire burns. But just in case, the burning will take place at…

SEE WARMTH, PG. 71

SPORTS

Fun in the Sun Run Results

By: Bret Moran

FREDERICKS PARK - The first annual Fun in the Sun Run was held this past Sunday. Runners, joggers, walkers and people crawling across the ground writhing in agony all started the race together; the participant list topped out at over 1,000 total entrants. Sammy “Long Arms” Duncan won the race with a time of 17:51.

The race was a catastrophic failure on nearly every front, with the race-time temperature reaching just over 102° Fahrenheit. Half the field registered in the race ultimately did not even start the race, opting to sit this one out as the sun scorched Fredericks Park. They would be the lucky ones.

Coming upon “the Leap” in the race, a ten foot wide gap from one elevated piece of land to a lower landing point that the runners must leap across, the field was again cut roughly in half, with several hundred racers unable to make the distance. These individuals have likely fallen down the chasm some fifty feet to a torture chamber run by dwarves below. Their skulls will be turned to bowls and their sternums broken by dwarve-children for fun.

Many of the spectators of the race also faced their own personal hell; several tick bombs were birthed nearby to the start/finish line and made their way to the crowd, latching onto their exposed skin by the hundred. One individual had over three hundred ticks embedded in their skin when they were admitted to Oddland of Mercy.

The race director, Arnold Hander was quoted as saying the race was…

SEE SPEEDY, PG. 85

This issue of The Weirdy Wordy has been brought to you by waking up early to go out for a run but then you realize that this never-ending creative endeavor is going to consume your soul and you won’t be able to be soul-consumed if you get out there and hit the streets so you just slump down in your chair and say “okay, guess I’ll punch this thing out” and you wonder what it was like not having to do this thing.

Contact The Weirdy Wordy Staff at: janitor@weirdywordy.com

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