Weirdy Wordy No. 78 - June 22nd, 2022
Cryptkeeper, Cavendished, Old Tech, Changing Feet, Plugged In
Cryptozoologists Annoyed at How Fucking Lame Cryptocurrencies Are
By: Harnvarn Thurgood
ODDLAND MUSEUM OF ODDITIES - The Community of Certified Cryptozoologists (COCC) has released a statement unanimously signed by every member officially declaring cryptocurrencies, those magical internet monies that supposedly are valuable for reasons yet to be determined, as “fucking lame and boring” after a members meeting on Monday.
“Cryptocurrencies are basically dangerous grifts at best, and because of using ‘crypto’ in the name, they are often wrongly associated with us,” said fake Dr. Martin Hubler, who specializes in the search and study of Bigfoot and other Sasquatcha. “Imagine spending your entire life dedicated to something that isn’t even real. A fraud. A hoax. Something completely imaginary that offers nothing useful to the world. Now imagine people confusing your field of work with that shit because of a similar name.”
The COCC intends to repeatedly plunge itself into the holes and gaps behind the crypto infrastructure through various legal means that were not immediately clear to me when explained the first time. After several minutes of repeated attempts however, COCC’s point finally penetrated me. The explosion of knowledge was warm and inviting when it washed over me.
In other crypto news, some non-person on Twitter claimed that NFTs and web3 or whatever are still the future of the internet because some random decentralized ledger of information hosted on a server is somehow better for complex and important transactions, LOL. These people will do/say anything to get you to send them a few ETH, and they aren’t even doing cool shit like hunting the Jersey Devil or trying to discover the…
SEE SCAM, PG. 02
Local Inventor Creates New Variety of Banana
By: Margaret Applehill
ODDLAND FARMER’S MARKET - MANIA AND PANIC pulsed through the air at the Oddland Farmer’s Market this weekend when Paulson Ramshackle debuted a new variety of Banana that he invented following several years of research, crossbreeding, and genetic modifications.
The banana varietal is called “Big T” and tastes like absolute dog shit. That is to say, there is no other thing in the world that tastes more like canine feces; this banana is the most-tasting thing that exists that tastes like feces from a doggo. Absolute dog shit.
“Well, ol’ uncle Jebediah always was complaining about how all bananas taste the same and don’t taste as good as they did when he was a kid, so I thought I’d give him a real surprise and make a banana that tastes like dog turds,” said Paulson from behind his banana stand on Sunday afternoon.
The new banana was the surprise hit of the farmer’s market; Ramshackle sold out within the first hour of opening on Saturday and had to return to his home/banana farm to grab more cases of the shit fruit. All told, he earned nearly $200 over the weekend, a massive success compared to all other the vendors at the market.
Some citizens are concerned about the bananas because of GMOs, and not, ya know, because the banana is the equivalent of eating dog shit. These people are nothing more than a vocal minority, but as we all know, the vocal minority can somehow…
SEE DUMP, PG. 10
Old MP3 Players Value Soaring
By: Brohag Endude
GREATER ODDLAND AREA - Philosopher and entrepreneur D. Duffy infamously said “technology’s cyclical,” and it appears his sagely wisdom has been proven correct once again, with MP3 player prices soaring into quadruple-digit figures on the grey market.
While it’s hard to track the fast moving world of thrift stores and weirdos with a lot of money and nothing to do, it appears that over the past six months the market for used MP3 players has skyrocketed because of something called “music.” This ephemeral substance, which apparently creates a sound that people enjoy (what even is that, what does that mean?) can be stored onto MP3 players and then recalled as often as the user desires.
While reports remain unclear, it is said that some MP3 players are capable of holding thousands, if not tens of thousands individual units of “music” at once. While a lot of this reads to me like pure gibberish, I’m reassured that it’s all real and commonplace within the market.
So now, a common MP3 player, something that nearly everyone owned at one time to listen to audiobooks and to quickly type out notes to ourselves on the barely-usable internal notepad app, a common MP3 player is now valued at nearly $250 just on the prospective value that it can hold “music” files. An MP3 player fully loaded with “music” has a low-entry price point of around $1,200. Some have sold to various collectors and afficionados for as high as $10,000.
Why do people enjoy these sorts of sound waves hitting their ears? Well, apparently it has to do with the way that…
SEE TUNES, PG. 26
Roboboros Introduces New Foot Options
By: Insiki McGeorge
ROBOBOROS HQ - Tired of the same old feet you’ve had for the entirety of your existence? The Roboboros Corporation has confirmed that starting mid-Q3 this year, three new models of feet will be available to the public for dangerous and unnecessary surgical body enhancement, with another four options arriving by the end of Q4.
The first revealed option is “The Tank Tread,” which as the name suggests is a metal band of continous metal plates which are driven by three wheels. The tank tread will offer users superior climbability in both rocky landscapes as well as muddy or sodden environments. The surgery will be complicated, painful, and entirely needless, but you will turn yourself into a tank. Well, the bottom part of you will be a tank. The very bottom.
Option number two is simply called “Stone” and from the preliminary images it looks like the surgeons will cut off your foot and then just graft on a large rock at your ankle? While this may seem like a disadvantage at first, think a little longer about it. Imagine you’re a martial artist, trained in the way of the flying foot, or whatever it’s called. Your kicks are deadly, accurate, and swift. But imagine how much more deadly they would be if instead of swinging your foot around at high speeds, you were swinging around a fucking rock. Boom, baby.
The third and final option in the intial offering will be a…
SEE FEETSIES, PG. 55
TV Sucks: Why You Should Hook Up a Projector Directly to Your Brain and Watch Your Own Thought-Content
By: Dylan Henderson
Take the wires, uncoil them. They want to curl back up, flatten them back out. Put your foot on them, or your tank tread, whatever. Stretch the wires to make them stop curling. They still curl up. It’s fine.
Attach the insertion probe to the end of one of the wires. It’s supposed to click on to the metal attachment piece at the end of the wire. You place it on the end but you don’t hear it click. You try to twist it left and right a little, but you don’t hear anything. You try pulling it off, but it won’t budge. “I guess it’s on,” you say aloud to yourself, alone.
You hold the insertion probe base between your thumb and forefinger. You look at it and cannot imagine any reality in which this thing actually enters your brain. You know it’s supposed to be amazing; it physically feels good, it expands your mind, it’s free entertainment. But sitting here now, staring at a hunk of metal that has little micro imperfections, this is not going through your skull into your brain. This is never going inside of you.
And then, like a phantom controlling your body, you stop thinking for a few seconds and your arm expands and contracts rapidly, your hand slamming into your head full speed, the insertion probe hitting the entry dock on the side and back corner your skull. You did it, you lunatic. You’re going to watch your own thoughts.
You stand up and your legs are a little wobbly. You slowly walk over towards the…
SEE VIEWING, PG. 67
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