Weirdy Wordy No. 79 - June 29th, 2022
Blacked Out, Rhesus, Charitable, And One, Toss It
All Security Cameras Going Offline This Weekend; Please Don’t Commit Crimes
By: Harnvarn Thurgood
GREATER ODDLAND AREA - Due to a small clerical error, the entirety of the Oddland Security and Perversion Closed-Circuit Surveillance Network will go offline beginning this Friday night at 8:14PM. All cameras will remain offline until approximately Sunday morning sometime around 7:00AM.
The cameras are still functional but will not be recording and uploading footage to the cloud; watchful sentries tortured to witness all the barbarity of man with no greater God waiting for their findings. The singular IT guy employed by the city, Jeff Hessinger, learned about the downtime in the network and immediately put in a PTO request for that Friday.
“Yeah, I’ve been in that position before; massive catastrophic meltdown that happens late on a Friday. I could tell they’d want me to work the weekend until it was fixed, but I’m not a hero. I’m just a dude who likes to watch weird dashcam accident videos online and eat meatloaf. I submitted for that day off as fast as I could,” said Hessinger via Zoom.
The Oddland Police Department refused to comment about the camera system but did strongly imply that they did not need video evidence to beat the…
SEE BLIND, PG. 04
Safari Park Hosting Monkey Mixer
By: Janet Wu
ODDLAND ZOO & SAFARI ADVENTURE - The Oddland Zoo and Safari Adventure Park, which is currently housing and/or controlled by Gus, a giant mutant lion made from the bodies of all the lions at the zoo, will be hosting a “monkey mixer” over the weekend.
It’s unclear if a monkey mixer is a public event where customers will get to spend time up close and personal with monkeys in the zoo, or if the event is in fact a social gathering exclusively for monkeys. All of the phones at the zoo have been disconnected because Gus does not like the sound they make when they ring. This has made it difficult to communicate with Gus, although he does send out a weekly “brain scream” where he telepathically shouts his thoughts on a variety of topics for a few minutes. It’s like a podcast, but you can’t turn it off and it’s stuck inside your brain.
Perhaps the real goal of the monkey mixer was to create a buzz around the zoo. Social media impressions are up over 5,000% for the zoo, despite their official Instagram and Twitter accounts having no posts since February 3rd of last year.
While we wait for more details about the monkey mixer to emerge, one can only assume that…
SEE BANANAS, PG. 15
Local Band Gnomish Fire Donating All Proceeds to Charity
By: Sarah Bruno
ODDLAND AIRWAVES - You’ve heard them at the Battle of the Bands during our annual festival days. You’ve heard them at local church shows on Saturday nights. You’ve probably dropped them a fifty to play at your party and they rocked harder than you ever imagined. Now, Oddland’s own Gnomish Fire sets their sights on doing some good.
“We decided with this new album, we wanted to something really great,” said lead singer and rhythm guitarist Nuts Hurl-Fuck. “So all the proceeds from sales of the album will go to that charity…you know, the one with the kids. Where they kill them…no, no I misspoke. They don’t kill the kids, that was a dream I had after slipping into a k-hole last week. I’m sorry.”
I would later confirm that the charity is the Red Cross.
One interesting thing to note: like their previous albums, Gnomish Fire sells a digital copy of their album on their website. This allows fans to set the price they pay for the album, even if they choose to purchase the album for $0. Presumably, this would mean that for all “free sales” of the album, no money would be donated to…
SEE SHRED, PG. 22
God Smites Entire Church League Basketball Team
By: Bret Moran
CHURCH HOOPS - A player/coach for one of the 16 teams in the Oddland Church Hoops League who asked to remain anonymous has claimed that he and his entire team was smote by God over the weekend during an otherwise normal practice session for the team.
God, like straight up, all white, old but not super old, white hair and white beard, fucking like bam, GOD, God just rolls up with a ball in one hand and a Capri Sun in another and says “you wan’ go?” to the men.
“We all laughed,” another player recalls. “But he was like, he was God, ya know? You can’t say no to Him. He beat the shit out of us.”
According to reports, God was relentless against the team, playing by himself against the starting five players for the church team. During the game, God knocked down four three-pointers, crossed over a defender before hitting an easy jumper, and windmill dunked from damn near the foul line in his convincing 15-6 victory.
“I don’t get it, why would he do this to us? We are true believers,” said the player/coach. The entire group remains…
SEE HEAVENLY, PG. 41
Toss Me a Brewski, Dude
By: Thomas “Tommy D” DeMarco
Yo dude, toss me a brewski. Thanks, man.
Yo dude, you ever think it’s weird that we’ve never like, talked about shit before? Like all that weird shit that people in movies talk about; like what they wanna do after college, or what they’re looking to do with their lives, or how shitty their parents were to them, like none of that shit? We just hang out and play Playstation and drink beers. I mean, I love it, you know I love it bro. But, I think I need more?
Yo dude, toss me an emotional support vibe. That’s what I need to be able to say to you sometimes, nah mean? The brewski, that sweet sweet ice cold beverage, it’s just a meaningless filler, a way to ply my own brain with booze until my head quiets down enough so that I can really zone out in a semi-zen state. But I don’t want the beer to do that. I want your help, brohagen.
Yo dude, I love you. I’m not afraid to say it. I’m not afraid to show it, dude. We’ve known each other since second grade and I don’t even know your middle name, dude. Mine is Robert. I hope you know you can tell me anything, my guy.
Yo dude, do you remember that time when we were driving home from the party at Vickie Donaldson’s house during graduation week, and you said that you thought…
SEE THROW, PG. 59
This issue of The Weirdy Wordy has been brought to you by a group of spiders see you walking down the street and you notice them out the corner of your eye but you think “oh, it’s okay, I’m fine. It’s just a few spiders.” But then you look back to check again and it’s literally like an avalanche of spiders barreling towards you and you start to freak out and try to run but you trip over your own foot and the swarm is approaching you and you remember being a little kid playing with bugs in the backyard and you close your eyes and let them wash over you.
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